Thankful Thursday: Unexpected Community

(This Thankful Thursday post is a little early, but I gotta post when I have internet!)

I’ve cried a lot over the last few days. And I’m not a crier, y’all.

It all started on Monday when I felt led to finally post something about our adoption and the struggle it has been. I read it and re-read it. I hesitated. I prayed about it. And I did it.

I had no idea what the result would be but I braced myself for criticism. My words were transparent, hard, and that’s not always well received.

Instead, I got an immense outpouring of love and understanding. I literally couldn’t keep up with my inbox for the e-mails and comments on my blog. I’ve never experienced anything like that before and it made me cry to think that there is a whole big community out there of people who are walking this same road, fighting hard for these kiddos that we love so much but feel overwhelmed with the day to day battles.

To all who read and heard and understood and spoke words of hope and healing or who shared your story and your struggle, you blessed me immensely. You thanked me, but I thank YOU!

To the few who read and didn’t get it but felt led to comment anyway, I hear you, too. I didn’t get it either. I still don’t most days. But God is faithful!

To the adoptees who spoke out, thank you. Your words are necessary to this story. You are our heart in this, after all. If my words hurt, I am sorry. The reality is I was not adopted as a child so I do not understand your perspective, but oh how I want to! I want to hear from you. I want to learn from you. Please be patient with us as we learn and we will strive to do the same.

To the one who suggested that saying to stop romanticizing adoption would be like saying to stop romanticizing marriage, I hear what you say. But what I’m trying say is that marriage is beautiful, but we still have marriage conferences and blogs and books about the difficulties it can and often does bring. Let’s do the same for us adoptive families who are struggling in this fight to help our kids see and feel this love we have. If you want to defend the kids (and praise God you do!), reinforce the parents.  Admitting that marriage can be hard and addressing those issues does not keep others from getting married and I know that those who are called to adopt will no more let this hinder them than the mountains of paperwork and years of waiting. It will just help them be better prepared for the potential challenges ahead.

To the one who said they are “worried” about me, thank you for your concern. I’ve worried about me, too! But God is good and His grace is sufficient. Thank you for offering the resource suggestions. I will definitely look into those! I’m always open to suggestions and learning and growing on this journey that all too often seems like too much. I don’t have all the answers, I just have the one: Jesus. And oh how good He is!!

To the one who said I sounded self-righteous, oh how God knows that is not true. The times are innumerable that I have cried out to God and told Him he picked the wrong person for this job because I am so broken myself. I am filthy rags outside of the grace of God and I need His new mercy every morning. Please choose your words carefully, friend. I appreciate that you are knowledgeable but I pray our knowledge will never cloud our words of love and compassion. Knowledge without love is useless (1 Corinthians 13.2). Yes, this journey has been incredibly lonely (we live in the Amazon Jungle!) but God is ever present and meets our every need. That’s the beauty of grace that He can use sinners like my husband and myself to speak truth into the life of this precious child of ours. This was me reaching out for the community that you suggest and God in all His great goodness has provided it.

To the one who referenced their adopted child as “store-bought”, I respectfully had to delete your comment. It was offensive to several adoptees who were reading the comments and that is the last thing we want.

To the commenter who referenced me as “original poster” and said I made a mistake talking about the hard, hi, my name is Ashley and I am your sister in Christ. Let’s choose our words carefully and remember that just because we can’t see each other’s faces, there are real people on the other side of that screen. I actually had to re-read my post because I thought maybe I had missed something in there because your words were so intense. We live six houses away from the house where my daughter suffered all kinds of abuse and we see her biological parents and her abusers on a regular basis. I feel your hurt for your oldest who still remembers her mother, friend, and I understand. We’re in this together so let’s build one another up. We’re on the same team.

If you commented, I want you to know I prayed for you. Each and every one. I went name by name, even those who were anonymous (that were many) and I prayed specifically for you. That’s all I know to do at this point. Maybe God is up to something much bigger?

To all who e-mailed, I will respond!! The internet here is hit or miss, so it may take some time. Thank you for sharing your stories. They have given me a breath of fresh air on this journey and I am forever grateful!

God is so good. I feel like I’ve just come upon an oasis in this desert and now I’m surrounded by other families drinking in deep from the Living Water.

This journey just got a little more beautiful.

Thankful Thursday: Spilled Water

I all but collapsed in the bed, exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally.

I had made a rookie missionary mistake earlier that day, one that cost us 3,000 liters of precious rainwater. Three. THOUSAND. Liters. In dry season, no less.

I had opened the upper tank valve to fill our cistern in an effort to prevent the pump from going dry as it often times does when it gets low. I was trying to help Richard, who was walking to town to get groceries in the sweltering heat because our motorcycle had been stolen, to check one more thing off the to-do list. In all my busyness, I completely forgot I had opened the valve until who even knows how many minutes later when Elliott came running in, “Mama!”

“Wait, son,” I quickly replied, trying to carry on a conversation with an indigenous friend who was over.

“Mama….” He said again, more persistent.

“Elliott, just a minute son,” was my answer, still not sensing the urgency.

“Mama, there is water back here.”

“Elliott, I said just a…. Wait, what?”

That’s the moment I looked out and saw our precious drinking, bathing, everything else water pouring out, watering the dirt on the ground.

It is possible you have never seen someone run so fast.

As I uttered words of disbelief and shut off the valve, I climbed up to the top water tank to see the damage. Just as I suspected, it was nearly empty. Wasted.

My efforts to alleviate one more item on the to-do list turned into a stern conversation with the kids that if they so much as LOOKED at a sink faucet without asking first, there would be consequence. And don’t even THINK about flushing a toilet unless prior approval is given.

When Richard got back, I broke the news. His shoulders slumped and he let out a sigh.

And then he said, “Oh well.”

He let it go. Just like that, he let it go.

I had just spent the last hour beating myself up and wondering how in the world I could forget something that important. I was thinking about how it had not rained for days and who knew when it would rain again and how we would have to conserve every last drop and… he let it go.

Because you know what? What else can you do? We certainly couldn’t stir up some rain clouds to refill our tanks. And we could freak out and talk about all the ways that our life just became more difficult. And we could regret mistakes and get frustrated and angry, but what would that do?

So I let it go, too. I stopped beating myself up about it and guess what: it rained last night. It didn’t rain because we let it go and we didn’t let it go because we knew it would rain. But it made the rain that much sweeter knowing that God knows our needs.

And even if it hadn’t rained, He has our back. He allows us to make mistakes like that one so that we can learn the practice of letting things go.

I am trying to apply this to other areas of my life as well. In little things, like when our son spills ANOTHER glass of water on the floor, I let it go. Or bigger things, like when our plans for the holidays are potentially changing again, I let it go. When a fellow missionary says untrue things about us, I let it go. When I am tempted to get stressed out about the future, I let it go.

If I say with my mouth that God is sovereign [Phil 2.13] and that he plans our days before they even begin [Psalm 139.16] and that He is loving and trustworthy even when we don’t understand the ‘why’ of our life [Isaiah 55.8-11], then I need to let those truths filter into my life. And that manifests itself in letting things go. It is exhibited by not getting so worked up when things don’t go ‘my way’. It is expressed when my children see that Mama and Daddy don’t get all up in arms when life gets stressful (or when it seems life is always stressful).

So today I am thankful for spilled water and reminders that life is better when we let it go and trust the Lord.

We are just walking on this beautiful, messy journey and we can do so in peace, knowing He has this whole thing figured out. And He will be sure to send the rain when the time is right.

Thankful Thursday posting began when I worked full-time outside the home and I always dreaded Thursday... because they stood in the way of Friday! So I began blogging what I was thankful for to help give a positive spin to the day. After a couple years of absence, I decided it was a good habit to pick back up. What are you thankful for today? Post it below or link up to your own blog! I'm happy for you to join me. 

Thankful Thursday: Baby Steps

I finally had them all occupied. With my kids and the two other MKs staying with me splashing happily in the basin of water around back and soaking each other to the core, I quietly slipped into my bedroom for some “me” time.

About the time I unplugged the computer from the charger, my oldest walked in and in her newfound English speaking confidence asked, “Mommy, will you play game with me?”

No. I wanted to say it. No, I don’t want to play a game with you. I want to sit, alone, uninterrupted and try to get some things accomplished that have been calling out to me for days. That e-mail to the Consulate about the visa. Those e-mails to supporters. Those pictures uploaded.

These things were not going to accomplish themselves and as far as I could see it, now was my only time.

“Yes. What game would you like to play?” I felt the words squeeze from my lips. I regretted them as soon as they came out. But alas, it was done and I was walking back to the kitchen table to play a game.

She picked the matching rhyme game… the English matching rhyme game that I knew she didn’t know how to play. I held back my sigh. I didn’t want to play a game to begin with, but I CERTAINLY didn’t want to play a game I was going to have to teach.

And then it happened. She surprised me.

During rest time, she had worked with Jesse, another missionary kid who is staying with us for a few days while Richard is out of town, and had learned not only several new English words but also what they rhymed with.

To say I was shocked would be an understatement. She had taken the initiative and she had done something that she could be proud of. And I was proud, too.

And thankful. Thankful that I had taken the time out of my “busy” life to sit with her and be in that moment.

My mind went back to the little almost-savage girl that had sat in my living room floor just over a year ago, angry to the point of screaming because she couldn’t put together a simple puzzle made for a three year old. She was six and a half.

Thankful.

Some days—many days—are still filled with us struggling against that street girl who is still protecting herself from the cold world in which she survived her first six years. A world full of hate and abuse and neglect and hunger and abandonment. She does not yet fully grasp what it is to be adopted, rescued, chosen. She lies compulsively to protect herself because she doesn’t know what it means to be a daughter in a family that loves and speaks truth.

So I sat there and high-fived my brown-eyed big girl, amazed at how far she has come, though so keenly aware of how far she has yet to go.

Thankful for baby steps.

Thankful Thursday: God's Patience

As I read the e-mail my heart sank. When I got the phone call with the good news, I was ecstatic! When Richard told me about his conversation, I became worried. When we hadn't heard back, I was stressed. When I read the text, I was encouraged.

All of this in just a day's time.

At the end of the day I was emotionally drained, worried, stressed, doubtful, and confused from the emotional rollercoaster I had voluntarily put myself on. None of these were emotions sparked by the Holy Spirit but I felt like I couldn't help myself. With each new piece of news flooding my life I was being carried away by my feelings and emotions and it left me defeated and exhausted.

When we face criticism, I feel defeated.
When we face financial uncertainty, I feel fear.
When we face conflict, I feel stress.

And I find myself lingering on these emotions much longer than when we get great news about a new ministry partner or an encouraging word from a friend or a generous gift from a fellow believer. I allow the disappointments and frustrations to rule and reign in my heart instead of the peace of God. I miss the little blessings He's pouring on me because I can't get past the disappointments.

Then I realize that I'm missing, once again, the big picture. The one that shows God in control and me along for the journey. The one where God works out the details and I wait in patience and awe of how He'll pull it all together in the end.

Sometimes I forget that things just aren't up to me. I don't get to decide when or how or even if things will work out. I don't get to make things happen my way.

So many analogies come to mind with parenting.

So often I have to say to Elliott "you can't pitch a fit and get what you want" or "you can't yell 'no' and get your way". And I bet if I had a dollar for every time I've had to tell Elliott to wait patiently, we'd be millionaires! Yet somehow these ideas don't sink into my own head.

But God is so patient.

He's patient when I'm fearful again that things won't work out. He's patient when I'm angry about hurtful words from someone who doesn't know me. He's patient when I want to try to handle things on my own first. He's patient when I'm prideful and selfish. He's patient when I don't trust His wisdom.

And every time He gently reminds me that He is ultimately in control, I find myself back on my face saying, "Thank You for being so very, very patient with me."

What a good, good God we serve.

Thankful Thursday: A Beautiful Plan

I follow a lot of blogs. I don't read them all regularly, and I read some more than others, but I love to read blogs.

Perhaps it's an addiction, but it's one that often expands my mind and heart and challenges my soul.

I read stories of hope and life and self-sacrifice and giving and redemption and my heart is so often flooded with so many emotions that the only outlet is tears flooding my eyes. It's inspiring and motivating to see and hear all the things that God is doing around the world and how He's just using humble people to do it.

Today, I'm thankful that God has a beautiful plan. I love the analogy of the tapestry. God is working on a big, beautiful tapestry and sometimes we get frustrated, overwhelmed, discouraged, and confused because all we can see is the messy side with all the criss-crossing and interweaving and it looks like a disaster.

But on the other side is a beautiful picture that God is diligently working to create. It's a picture of beauty and grace and mercy and freedom and justice. And it means that God has a beauitful plan for every believer's life.

That beauty may not, and often does not, translate as easy or beautiful from an earthly perspective. It may be tiring and full of persecution. But it's beautiful because God is the one weaving it and He loves us so much more than our minds can imagine.

I'm so thankful today for God's beautiful plan, whatever that is. May I always be so thankful.

"For I know the plans I have for you" —[this is] the LORD's declaration—"plans for [your] welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. " Jeremiah 29.11 HCSB

Here are some great blogs that I follow. Maybe they'll encourage and challenge you, too.

kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com
http://servinghischildreninuganda.blogspot.com/
http://theresurgence.com/
http://www.theveryworstmissionary.com/
http://medlinsinkenya.blogspot.com/
http://oatsvallteam.blogspot.com/
http://www.jenhatmaker.com/
http://discoveringthechristlife.blogspot.com/

Thankful Thursday: This Little Guy

I am so thankful for this. little. guy.

Some days, being a "stay at home" mom is tiring. Some days, I just want an itsy bitsy little break. Some days are monotonous. But every day, this little guy makes me laugh. And every day, I am thankful for him. And every day, I wouldn't trade this life God has given me for the world.

The days are long, but the years are short. Gotta enjoy 'em while they last!!

Thankful Thursday: God's Wisdom

Today, I'm just thankful for God's wisdom. It's pure. It's honest. It never fails.

That's what I desire to have. God's wisdom. And He says He'll give it to us if we ask. So I've been asking a lot lately.

I haven't blogged a lot in a while. It's not because I don't have anything on my mind. It's actually just the opposite. I have a lot on my mind, but I don't know how to put it into words in a way that will be edifying to the Body of Christ and glorifying to God Himself.

So God, right now, has given me wisdom to just keep my mouth shut for a while. He's good like that.

Thankful Thursday: Best Friend

Today, I'm thankful for my best friend who I have been married to for 4 amazing years now!!

Who knew that we would be where we are today when we started dating in July of 2003? I am so thankful for the life God has given us together and look forward to what He has in store in the future.

This picture was taken in Costa Rica in 2004. This is the trip we both surrendered to be full-time missionaries.

Living the good life in the Andes Mountains in Argentina during our time at Word of Life (05'-06').

Posing by the "Getaway Car" at our wedding, August 4, 2007.

On the "slow boat" on our first trip to Brazi|, April 2009. It was here that God confirmed the calling in our hearts.

On March 29, 2010, our family grew by two feet when Elliott Tabor was born. We don't remember life without him now!

Sharing with a Witchdoctor on our most recent trip, December 2010.

So ridiculously and abundantly blessed beyond all reason by our awesome God.

To Him be the glory!!

Thankful Thursday: Dear God, Thank You

Dear God,

Today, all I can say is thank You. And I'm so glad that I can cling to Romans 8.26.

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."


Humbled at Your Holiness,
Ashley

Thankful Thursday/Journal Entry Combo

It's been, well, Thursday. I have been trying to decide all day what I want my Thankful Thursday post to be about. It's not that I don't have anything to be thankful for. I have a ridiculous amount of things to be thankful for. I'm just in a bit of a slump. You've been there, right??

Anywho, I decided to go back through some of my journal entries from our December-January Trip and, well, it seemed to fit right into what I needed today.

December 20, 2010

It's really cool to serve the God of the weather. Today's been a lonely day. I was on the boat all day alone with Elliott, Ian, Vivi, and Jesse. That meant if a storm were to pop up, it would be up to me to handle it.

Well, a storm popped up. It was huge in the distance and at first I was freaking out on the inside. We closed all the flaps and even started up the engine (which I had no idea how to turn off, but that's another story.) That storm subsided though so I had the kids go ahead to their rooms for nap time. I went up top and watched as an even bigger storm seemed eminent. So I did all I knew to do--pray. I asked God for wisdom and I asked Him to break up the storm. Then I just sat down and watched as the storm got closer and closer. But the funny thing was that there was this little break in the clouds right over where I was sitting on the front of the boat. It stayed there until the storm broke up and blew right past me. I think I even got a little tan. I smiled. It's really cool to serve the God of the weather.

[Evening]
Things really seem a lot more exotic when you aren't there. I'm lying here on the back flap of a house boat on the  River looking up at the full moon peeking through the clouds and listening to the frogs and crickets as they sing their songs. It's beautiful and spectacular as I see the lightening in the distant storm. But my mind is still fretting. That's the story of my life, isn't it? I'm always living in the future. I don't really struggle with the past except sometimes the immediate past when someone has upset me. I'm instead always looking at the future: worrying, fretting, anticipating. Yet, what happens is, I get to that distant point and I'm disappointed because it's not what I thought and then I'm right back anticipating the next event. When will I learn? Will I learn? I think one thing God is trying to demonstrate to me is living here and now. Enjoying life and loving the little pleasures He allows. Things like Elliott's smile, Richard's amibition, the sights and sounds around me.

Life's about the journey, not the destination.

Thankful Thursday: The Grandparents

So, I only have 8 more working days until I officially become a stay-at-home mom and I couldn't be more excited! But I can't help but look back over the last year and think of how blessed we have been that Elliott has such great grandparents!

Cindy (Richard's mom) has watched Elliott nearly every weekday since he was 6 weeks old. I can't begin to express how thankful I am that she has been there to take care of him. It gives me such a great peace of mind knowing that he is in good great hands! Not only that, but she has taught me a lot as I navigate the waters of parenthood. She and Bruce (Richard's dad) have given of their time and resources to make sure he is well taken care of and to help expand his little mind.

And I kinda think they like it ;)

I'm so thankful that my mom lives close. So many times she has been there when I call feeling totally lost and overwhelmed, especially when Richard has been out of town. She's been such a great mom to me and her example, advice, and listening ear have helped me tremendously. Not to mention she always encourages me and helps me see the big picture of parenting!

Whether it's keeping Elliott for a few hours so Richard and I can have a date night, buying him a special toy, giving advice, or, most importanly, just loving him abundantly.... well, they're awesome!

And we are so thankful and so blessed.

A Beautiful Ending

My Thankful Thursday post this past week mentioned a young man, Austin Foraker, who died tragically last weekend in a drowning accident. He was only 19.

Austin was in Richard's small group for a couple of years and his sister, Kaylee, was in mine for three years. One of their biggest prayer requests that I can remember Kaylee mentioning nearly every week was her step-dad's salvation. He was not a believer and they were both very burdened for him.

Over the last several weeks, I have seen Kaylee's Facebook statuses as she's talked about little things she's noticed in her step-dad's life.... almost as if God was preparing him for something.

Fast-forward to yesterday at the funeral of his stepson. It was a beautiful ceremony as several shared about how Austin had impacted them, including his older brother, Jake. Dwight Martin, Austin's former youth pastor, was last to share and gave the Gospel. That's what Austin would have wanted.

It was then that the Holy Spirit did what only the Holy Spirit can: changed a heart for eternity. Austin's step dad's heart had been tilled. The soil was ready to receive the seed of the Gospel. God had been working for weeks, months, maybe even years through the prayers and testimonies of Austin and Kaylee and it all came together in a beautiful finale when the tragedy that took place last weekend ended in the salvation of a soul.

Austin would have never dreamed that his prayers would be answered this way. Maybe he imagined personally leading his step-dad to Christ. Maybe he pictured him coming to church and walking down the aisle to the front to give his life to Jesus once and for all. However he prayed, I don't think he considered that maybe it would take his own death to lead his step-dad to life.

But God is good like that.

It makes me stop and consider something. Would I be willing pray that even if it takes me giving my life, I would do that so a family member could be saved? What about a friend? What about a complete stranger?

Do I love Christ so much that I am willing to die so that others can live? Do I love souls that much?

Christ did that for me. He did that for you.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." -John 3.16



Only God can turn death into life.

Thankful Thursday: God is Always Good

I'm thankful that God is always good.

Even when everything is lost. Even when tragedy comes. Even when we don't understand, God is good.

Last Wednesday, tornadoes took hundreds of lives and destroyed thousands of homes.

But God is still good.

This past Saturday, one of Richard's former small group boys and the brother of one of my small group girls died in a drowning accident. He was only 19.

But God is still good.

 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55.8-9

Why would a God who controls the weather, allow such a destructive force to destroy so many lives?

Why would a loving God allow a teenager, seeking to follow Him, to die so young?

I don't know. But I do know that His ways are good and pure. We aren't told we'll understand. But we are told to trust Him.