Alone in the City: Day Six

"I just feel like I don't have any control at all!"

I said it with anger, through tears while Richard listened patiently.

Then he calmly said the words that were oh so true, but not what I wanted to hear: "Maybe that's the point."

"Of course that's the point, but I don't want that. I want to be able to control something in my life!" That's what I told God. The irony of the arrogance doesn't escape me. I see it for what it is, but I know God sees it in my heart anyway. May as well just say it.

The more I ask God to show me my heart, the uglier things get.

Today, I spent most of the day working on our ministry stuff and was confronted with more arrogance and irony in my heart.

We recently transitioned mission boards and somewhere in the transition we lost some supporters along the way for one reason or another.

And I worry.

I worry as I adjust the spreadsheet to reflect the new numbers and it's less than what it was before. Money has always been a struggle for me. I don't like crunching numbers, paying bills... I don't even like to know what's in our account. It's a source of stress.

And that's wrong.

The irony is found in the fact that I know that God has never NOT provided a need. Even now I sit here with food in my belly, internet at my fingertips, a glass of clean water next to me, and even a list of people who have said in just the last few days, "Let me know if you need anything!"

Meanwhile, in the Jungle, babies are dying from dirty water, malaria, and yellow fever. Tribes remain hopeless because the Gospel hasn't arrived and they watch as their people die daily from preventable disease. Indigenous missionaries long to go into the depths of the Jungle to reach their own people, but the funds aren't there. Marcos (who you can read about here, here, and here) supports himself, his wife, their 2 year old son and 11 Indian students on $250 a month.

Here, we still have more money coming in each month than 98% of the world will see in a year.

And I have the audacity to ask God to let me have control of something in my life. What a mess I would make!

My American heart is so scarred from a culture of excess and greed and I ask God to forgive me, deliver me. I want to see clearly.

"Create in me a clean heart, oh God. And renew a right spirit within me..." (Psalm 51.10)

I pray this, knowing that it will hurt.  After all, "pressure creates diamonds and fire refines the gold" (Tripp Lee).

But it would be oh so very worth it to have the faith of these Christian Indians in the Jung|e who daily fall before a holy God, begging Him, not for money or things or even security and certainly NOT to have control, but for strength to endure so that their families can know the Truth.

God forgive my faithless, arrogant, selfish, prideful heart.

Make me more like the very people You have called me to.

Alone in the City: Day Three

God is beautiful everywhere.

This simple yet profound thought came to my mind tonight as I looked up at the halfway moon in the cloudless sky, driving back from the most beautiful beach Brazil has to offer.

And I felt very, very small.

But it wasn’t a condescending kind of small, like I was useless or worthless. It was a feeling of peace, knowing that I am small, and that’s good.

It’s safe to be small when your God is so big.

There’s a message that my own husband has taught several times that I came to my mind tonight. (For the record, it’s not fun when the Holy Spirit uses your spouse’s messages to speak to you… it’s a blow to the pride.)

It comes from John chapter 6. To keep it short and sweet, Jesus pretty much lays it all out for the religious elite. He knew their hearts and ignored their empty words, stating they wanted to follow him when in fact all they wanted was what He had to offer.

In verses 26-27, Jesus calls them out, “I assure you: you are looking for Me, not because you saw the signs, but because you ate the loaves and were filled. Don’t work for the food that perishes, but for the food that lasts for eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you, because God the Father has set His seal of approval on Him.”

In short, they didn’t want Jesus for Jesus, they wanted Jesus for His stuff.

Tonight, as I looked up at the moon, I was reminded that God doesn’t in fact need me. It’s not as if when I entered the world, He said, “Finally! She’s here!”

He is beautifully at work and His creation sings His praises and I am very small, nearly invisible.

And He says, “I have chosen you. I don’t need to use you, I want to. And that is good.”

But so often I find myself not wanting Jesus for who He is, but rather for what it brings me. Even the good things—peace, joy, love, hope—I want these more than I want Jesus. And that’s where the problem comes.

The missionary life is often deceitfully intriguing to the outside world. Stories of adventures and conversions and living in a far off place fill our minds as pictures of poverty and redemption fill our eyes. And it’s easy to love God there. It’s easy to be passionate and faithful in the excitement.

It’s the mundane that’ll getcha.

“Can you want me in the mundane?” He asks. “Do you want Me for Me, or do you want Me for what I can give you?”

The answer is hard, but I humbly acknowledge that most times I want Him for what He can give. I want the adventure and the passion and the influence. I fumble when life is just changing diapers and washing dishes and cleaning up messes and living the day to day. I am discontent there in the ordinary.

I fail most in the commonplace.

And He says to me, “I am beautiful there, too. You don’t see it because you don’t want Me. You want what I can give you.”

Tonight, I felt very small—just as I should. And I ask Him to help me desire Him for who He is and not for what I desire that He give me.

He is God in Heaven, and here am I on earth.

God, help me want you in the ordinary.

 

 

 

Alone in the City: Day Two

"If you aren't content with me here, what makes you think you will be content with me somewhere else?"

I've heard the Spirit speak that to my soul too many times before.

Discontent. Always look back, looking forward, wanting more, never appreciating the moment.
 
"But godliness with contentment is a great gain." (1 Timothy 6.6HCSB)

 

These words speak loudly to me.

 

Godliness--with contentment--is great gain. What good is godliness without contentment? Without it, my heart is only seeking godliness for the sake of gain (1 Timothy 6.5)

 

"Am I enough?"

 

He asks me this. And my reply is, "Yes! Of course You are enough!"

 

"Then why are you discontent?"

 

Touché.

 

My discontentment speaks much louder than my empty words, stating He is sufficient but living as though He isn't. Always longing for more--even "good" things. But missing the point--that He is enough. His plan is perfect. Not my preconceived notions of what He has for me.

 

We all like Philippians 4.13--I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me.

 

It's inspirational, warm, powerful.

 

But what about the preceeding verses that lead to Paul's bold statement? Those are hard.

 

"I don’t say this out of need, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.  I know both how to have a little, and I know how to have a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content—whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need.................. I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me." (Philippians 4.11-13 HCSB)

 

Contentment. No matter the circumstances--I can be content because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

 

And if the Apostle Paul had to learn this, why do I think it will come naturally for me?

 

"I don't know how to learn this," I say, frustrated that I still struggle, fight, fail. Shouldn't this battle be won?

 

"How do I learn?!" I ask Him boldy.

 

"I'm teaching you now," He says.

 

I learn through the hard.

 

 

 

 

 

Alone in the City: Day One

Richard and Elliott are in the States for the next nine days. The past two months of our lives have been an emotional roller coaster as we adapt to city life here in Recife, Brazil, waiting for the birth of our baby girl before we head back to the Jungle. I am on a spiritual journey that I want to share because I think it's important, as Believers, to be transparent. Over the next week, I'll be posting what God is doing in my heart as I ask Him to pluck the weeds in my life. I hope you'll appreciate my transparency and not think less of me for it. I hope you'll pray for me. But mostly, I hope it encourages you.

It's quiet here.

Aside from the noise of the street below our apartment complex and the swirling fan above my head, it's very quiet. No little feet pattering through the house or pleas for snacks or movies. Just quiet.

I play TV shows in the background just for the sound of human voice because the quiet is too much sometimes.

"I don't want this," I tell Him. "Any of it." I figure I may as well be honest since He knows my heart anyway.

I'm frustrated and I am disappointed and I am discontent. And He listens because He knows me. He knows my selfish heart and my clinched fists and He just listens.

Even He is quiet these days.

And I cry tears of anger because I don't get my way and I tell Him I know--I KNOW--it could be worse and life is, in fact, very good in comparison with 98% of the world around me but I WANT to pout and I WANT to feel sorry for myself because I am in fact self absorbed and so very short-sighted.

"Is it so wrong to want more?" I ask Him. "I want to do something great for You, and here I am with nothing at all to do. I'm alone here."

And His reply?

"Just listen to Me."

I'm taken aback as my pride sets in.

"But I HAVE listened! Don't you see where I am? I gave it all away. I left everything and everyone that I know. I am right, smack-dab in the middle of where You said to go. I did what You said to do. I have listened!" I answer, frustrated, tired.

"Just listen to Me."

He says it over and over every time I complain. He doesn't raise His voice but says it softly, gently, like a parent trying to soothe a crying newborn.

I spiritually cross my arms and furrow my brow. And He waits.

Waits for me to listen.

Today, I Reflect

Today I reflect on who God is making me.


About two years ago, I began on a spiritual journey that hit both suddenly and powerfully. I can remember where I was standing when it hit me so profoundly that the God I have claimed to know and serve since I was a little girl is so very much bigger than my mind ever thought possible. It was like all of a sudden my eyes were opened, if only a crack, to see that He’s a big God. He’s a powerful God. But more than that, He’s a God who knows me better than I know myself. And loves me anyway.

It’s been an amazing journey of learning what grace is, what mercy is, and how the God of this Universe sees me.

It’s been a journey of climbing to the top of the mountain and being breathless from all that I see that God is and does. And it’s been a journey of walking in the desert, wondering where that God of the mountaintop is, only to realize He’s matching me step for step and teaching me more than the mountaintop ever could.

There have been tears and there have been “aha!” moments and there have been questions that I still don’t have the answers to and likely never will. But it’s in all of those things that I realize that I am so thankful that the God I serve can’t fully be understood. Because that means He’s a big God.

These last two years have helped me see through the tradition that clouded my eyes before. I’ve started to see past the “rules” and religious jargon that has hindered me in the past. And what I’ve discovered is that the God I’m learning to serve is a God of diversity. He’s a God who not only appreciates uniqueness, he created it. He’s a God who desires unity, not uniformity. He’s a God who looks straight past my outward and deep into my heart. He knows my imperfections and humbles me in my pride. He is patient when I think I can do it on my own and never makes me feel like a failure when I realize [once again] that I can’t after all.

He’s a God who has a beautiful purpose and plan for my life and it’s one that will bring glory to His name. He’s a God who doesn’t expect perfection, because He already found that in His Son who died for me. He’s a God who is holy and righteous and loving and patient and kind and all-powerful, and yet He thinks of me and calls me His daughter.

And when I think of the specific calling He has placed in my heart, I sometimes start to fear. I see my inadequacies. I see my incompetency. I see how I am afraid. But it’s at that moment that I realize that the beauty of it all is just that—God can take someone like me, a nobody from nowhere, and use me in spite of myself to accomplish His purposes. And that absolutely blows my mind.

When I acknowledge that I am incapable, that’s when God can use me. And that’s when I beg Him to please keep my humble. Please remind me every day that I am nothing apart from Him.

So, today I reflect on who God is making me.

And even though I can’t see the end result just yet, I pray it looks a lot like His Son.

When God Pays the Bills

Have you ever prayed to God to provide food for you and your family?
I don't mean that little, "God, thanks for this food. Please bless it to our bodies. Amen."

I mean literally prayed that God would provide food because you have no idea where your next meal will come from.

I haven't.

And I'd venture to say that very few, if any, of us have.

That hit me the other day as I was praying to God. I remember stopping in mid sentence while I was talking to God and saying, more to myself than to God [though I think He overheard], "What's wrong with me? What am I praying for?" This thought came to me because I realized how selfish my prayers are. It's all about: God, please do this for me and please do that for this other person. Thank you, Amen.


I realized that I, in the life I lead right now, don't NEED God. I never pray for clothes to wear. I never pray for food to eat or clean water to drink. I never pray for a place to sleep. I never pray that I'll have the strength to get out of bed or the courage to stand up for what I believe in. Why? Because I have never needed to pray for any of those things.


When I go to the kitchen, I know there will be food. And not just food, but choices about what food to eat. And if I don't see what I want there, then I'll run to the store or pick up my phone and order food to be delivered right to the front door.

I've never prayed for a clean water source. As a matter of fact, I buy a filter to filter my clean tap water.

I can't think of a single time when I've prayed for somewhere to lay my head....except maybe that one time when our air-conditioner went out in the middle of summer and the part was on back-order for 3 weeks. Then I was begging for some relief for my "discomfort".

So what's the big deal? If I have no need to pray for these things, why should I concern myself with them?

Maybe the problem isn't so much that I don't ask God for these things, but the fact that I don't thank Him for them either.

I expect them. I take them for granted, day in and day out. I think our spiritual state in America makes it pretty clear that if we continue to live at this comfort level, we will need God less and less. And now that we've redefined Christianity, we think it's ok to be comfortable. We think that God has blessed us for us.

When Richard and I started our Radical Journey, we told God together that we wanted to suffer for Him. Why would we pray that?? Because suffering brings true fellowship with Christ. As Paul put it in Philippians 3.10, "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death..."

That's a pretty bold prayer to pray because I think it's one that God will answer. And I wouldn't say He's answered it yet, but I have noticed Him testing our faith on numerous levels: including financially.

This is somewhere that I struggle: trusting God in the area of finances. Like many people, I find security when our bank account and savings shows a certain number. There's just a certain peace that I get when I check it and everything seems in order. So, naturally, if those numbers aren't quite within my "comfort range" there's a certain uneasiness that follows.


In other words, I have no faith in regards to money.

Without going into a lot of detail, we've had some big expenses come up as of late. Things that we weren't expected like car problems (oh the stories I could tell) and some other "inconveniences". I've watched as our savings have slowly dwindled well below my preferred number and I've felt that stress level begin to rise.

You know what's been great about it though? Seeing how God steps in and says, "How about you just trust me."

So I thought I'd give that a try... you know, let God take care of us instead of trying to figure it all out. Novel idea, right? After all, my worrying doesn't seem to accomplish much.

And guess what. He has provided. In marvelous ways that glorify HIM.

Richard sold his truck to the first person he showed it to (who does that??). His flying schedule has been out of control [in a good way] for the past month. I recently got a bonus at work that couldn't have come at a better time. We've seen the random generosity of several people who have given directly to us or towards our mission trip coming up.

And we've been able to give more to missions than we ever have before. Praise God!

What have I learned? Well, for one, it sure is nice to be able to relax in God's hand when unexpected bills and expenses come along knowing that, while they may have come as a shock to us, He knew about them all along.

And at the end of the day, regardless of what the numbers in our bank account are, God is in control. And our situations and frustrations and trials and heartaches are all designed to bring glory to Him.

But even more than those things, it's nice to know that even if we didn't have food to eat, a place to sleep, good health, or clean water and even if we didn't have the money to pay the bills....God would still be a good God. Because He is God. And good is one of the things that defines Him.

God didn't meet these needs so we could be happy and content and say, "Thanks God." God met these needs so we could tell others what a great God we serve and it's by Him and through Him and in Him that we have all that we need.... and more.

"But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through." -Francis Chan