The Futility of Busyness {and the richness of waiting}

a reflection of three years living and loving overseas

When I close my eyes and {try to} imagine Christ, for some reason I never picture Him up and running around, busy. I picture a peaceful calm. Yet at the same time I know He is constantly at work among us, through us, in us.

When I open my eyes, however, and see my life, so often all I see is busyness and rush. A hectic race of back and forth.

Nothing like my Father. 

If there is one thing God has taught me these last few years, it’s that He is not in a hurry.
(And let’s be honest, that is tough news to an American!)

We have plans and dreams and schemes and hopes all laced with goals and timelines and to-do lists to make those happen.

But God? He has all the time in eternity and He’s not afraid to use it.

We pace the floor, glancing at the imaginary clock wondering when all of these things will come to pass. And all it does is create in us a dissatisfaction with where we are, who we are, what we have.

All the while, God moves and breathes life, methodically and timely.

We huff and puff, missing the whole point of it all—Him.

But that’s too simple, to walk towards Him in humble submission.

We want results. Numbers.

I don’t suppose I’ve attended a single “church service” in my life that didn’t put a varying degree of emphasis on a number. This many in attendance, this many confessions, this many baptisms, this many new churches, this many Bibles given, this many “souls saved”, this much money donated.

Numbers. Goals achieved. 

And so we say that, yes, these numbers represent souls and lives changed. But ever so slowly {and mostly with no recognition at all} we fail to realize that, while these do represent souls, those souls have quickly faded from our focus. Because we are off to the next number goal.

Last year we had 100. This year we want to see 200.

Last year they gave $1,000. This year we want $10,000.

Numbers. Objectives. 

But why do we care about "how many" and "how much"? Because time is short... right? Some would say because Jesus is coming soon. Some would put up the counting clock that shows how many souls are dying and going to hell this VERY moment and what are we DOING if we aren’t counting “souls for the Kingdom”?

We’re living. That’s what we are doing. We are loving our neighbor. We are confessing our sins to one another. We are praying for healing. We are giving and serving. We are poured out and broken.

And yes we are even longing for that Day. But we are living this day in all of its holiness, too.

And when we recognize that God is sovereign and His plans cannot be thwarted, suddenly we don’t feel so glorified in our busyness. Because it’s that same lie that the busier we are, the more productive we are that leads us to neglect our children and our marriage and our neighbor in pursuit of the goal. It leads us to shout judgment and rules rather than hope and love.

Because when we are rushed, there is no time for love. Because love takes time.

Love is patient. Love is willing to endure rejection, hatred, failure, backlash. Because love has all the time in the world. Love never fails.

Rush says we need to see repentance now. It’s now or never.

Love says God is in control of the outcome.

Rush says the bigger the crowd, the better.

Love says this one sufficient.

Rush says goals must be met.

Love says goals are good but not ultimate.

Rush says there is no time to sit still, there is work to be done.

Love says we’ll stay as long as we need to.

So often we confuse waiting and stillness with laziness. But we neglect to realize that it’s often busyness that creates laziness. For what else do we want to do after a busy day but sit on a couch and let our “brains rest” in front of the television? What is a better excuse for a little more time on social media that a long day of working hard? We deserve it, right?

But when we create a habit of waiting and watching, suddenly our time is consumed with things that matter. More time with our Savior. More time to pray for healing. More time to listen. More time to sit. More time to hear. More time to see.

More time to truly feel the groaning of the world around us in need of a Savior. Our Savior.

More time to taste and see that He is good.

No longer do we need to shout from the rooftops our expansive knowledge of spiritual things. Our lives speak loudly enough.

No longer do we need to organize and plan bigger and better activities to win people over. Our lives are speaking Truth from which the Holy Spirit will win people over.

When we moved to the Jungle three years ago, we had plenty of plans and goals.

Not one of them came to pass as we had thought. Not a single one.

But when we found ourselves at the end of so many dreams, we found God was moving all around us the whole time. Turns out He didn’t need us after all.

And then we slowed down and we could hear it for once.

“Come.”

And it was scary at first because there wasn’t a plan laid out in that one word. He didn’t say where or how or when or even what the outcome would be. He just said, “Come.”

So with feeble hands and weak knees, we stepped out of what we thought was the way things had to be done and we decided to just trust His timing. To take it one step, one day, on moment at a time. We would just live life with these people and trust that He would do the rest.

And oh what we have seen Him do!

This doesn’t mean that it isn’t hard work. Again, waiting doesn’t mean sitting idly by. We’ve worked harder and cried longer and wanted to give up countless times these last three years. But there in the quiet we still hear His voice whispering, “Come.”

His Spirit strengthens us again and we walk with the broken and speak into their lives and show them a better way with all of our insufficiencies and weaknesses in full light and at the end of the day all that can be said is, “Wow. Look at what a God we serve. LOOK at what He is doing!”

So three years into this thing, I’m {not so} sorry to report that I don’t have any numbers for you... I haven’t been counting. But if you want to sit for a while I can tell you some truly incredible things that God is doing in and around us.

None of it was our plan. None of it fit into our schedules and timelines.

But all of it—every last detail—fit perfectly into His.

Dear Ashley From Two Years Ago...

Dear Ashley From Two Years Ago,

Hey, it’s me. (Or you, rather.) It is two years today that you have been here in Brazil (a year and a half in the Jungle) and I wanted to let you know a few things about this journey you are about to embark on. Go ahead and sit down. I know you’re tired with that baby girl growing in your belly and that two year old boy all wild and rowdy. I know you are experiencing the paradox of both utter excitement that your dreams are coming true and downright terror at the unknown that lies before you.

Let me assure you, this is normal and completely justified.

Here are some things you should know:

That little blonde-haired boy sitting next to you on the plane with his paci and airplane blankie? He isn’t as big as you think he is. He’s a little guy and he is going to prove to be both your sanity and source of insanity over the next several months. Enjoy him through and through because he is going to grow up before your very eyes and you are going to look back fondly on those times it was just three of you curled up watching Backyardigans in that 400 square foot air-condition-less apartment in the city with nothing to do and nowhere to go.

He will throw out his paci and trade in his Huggies for a mini-machete and Superman undies soon enough, so stop stressing the “when” of those things. Until then, let him have his paci in the line at the grocery store, even though it’s supposed to be just for bedtime now. Remember, he is trying to figure out what all these strange people are saying, too, so let him have his comforts. (By the way, stop stressing about him learning the language, too. He will learn it way before you and you will soon find your three year old correcting your grammar.)

That sweet baby girl curled up in your rib-cage that won’t let you sleep at night? You’re prayers will be answered in the affirmative and she is going to be the easiest baby God every created in the history of ever. You will survive giving birth to her in another country with a doctor that speaks your going-on-third language in a hospital where you feel painfully out of place. Everyone will think she is a baby doll when you take her out in public because that is exactly what she will look like. Hold her tight and rock her long because your life is going to get so busy soon that you are going to miss a lot of those moments and won’t even realize it before it is too late.

Your amazing husband and best friend? Your marriage going to have a tough go that first year. Life is going to get incredibly stressful and lonely and instead of leaning into one another, you’re going to push hard against each other. In fact, you are going to reach a point that you feel like roommates, simply coexisting. I know, you don’t believe it, but it’s true. Hang in there, because by God’s grace you make it through and you eventually find your footing again. You will laugh together and cry together and say, “What in the world were we thinking?!” more times than you can count. Lean into each other and remember you are both new at this thing called missionary life. Don’t be afraid to laugh and be quick to forgive. The seasons pass quickly.

Those plans to move into an indigenous village? Ain’t gonna happen, y’all. You will mourn your dream as you bury it, but trust me, later you rejoice. Life is hard enough in the small town you will move to and God is gracious to lead you elsewhere. And oh the plans He has!!

In fact, He will bring an Indigenous family to you. They will live with you for six months and it will be a stretching experience. Soak it in. You need these life lessons through this young family, lessons they don’t even know they are teaching. God will knit your heart with many of the indigenous people around you. Some of them with take advantage of you and turn their backs on you. Let it go. God sees. Others will teach you what it is to humbly serve, expecting nothing in return. You will see what it means to suffer for Christ and you will be stronger for it.

Which leads me to my next point and I hope you are still sitting down. In less than a year on the mission field, you will adopt a seven-year-old street girl… and she will undo all that you have ever known about love. She will steal your heart and you will beg God to make her your own. And when He does you will cry and ask Him to take it away. It is gong to be the hardest thing you have ever done. She will fight against your love. You will have to hold her down as she kicks and screams, demanding to go back to the street, after you just spent months fighting to give her your last name. God will put you through the fire with her and it will hurt. Don’t run away though. This, too, is worth it. He gives beauty for ashes.

There is more. God is going to give you a sweet lady in your life named Rosa. She will teach you to cut up a whole chicken and how to gut a fish (though she will laugh along with you when it takes you thirty minutes to do what she can do in five!) She will amaze you with her patience and awe you with her endurance. You will spend many hours talking and your kids will call her “Tia” (Auntie). She is going to be the Director of the Children’s Home that God is going to lead you to start.

Yes. Children’s Home. I know. I still think it’s crazy, too.

Your heart is going to break for the children on the streets of this town who have been abused and neglected. You will see their bruises and you will feed their bellies. You will bandage their wounds and you will give some of them the first hugs of their lives. You will lose sleep over them and you will pray for miracles. And God will allow you to be a part of those miracles.

During these first two years, you are going to be dumbfounded because you will come to realize something you never really considered before: you are totally ill-equipped for absolutely everything God has called you to do. You will fill inadequate as a mother. You will resist your role as wife. You will struggle to adapt to the culture. You will cry yourself to sleep many a night. You will get tired and lonely and scared and overwhelmed. You will miss family and friends back home. And also Chick-fil-a.

But you know what else? You will see God do amazing things. You will build strong friendships with people who look nothing like you. You will master your third language. You will learn what sacrifice really looks like. You will watch you kids speak multiple languages without even realizing that is STINKIN’ CRAZY! You will learn what ‘wife’ really means and it will become your favorite title.

And all of these will be to the glory of God for the very fact that you are inadequate. But with Christ, all these things are possible.

So relax. Laugh out loud. Soak it in. Endure.

It’s a beautiful journey you’re on. Don’t try to run it as you will miss too much. Just walk.

With still a ways to go,

Ashley

P.S. And another thing. When everyone around you down here pretends they have it all together, don’t believe them. You will quickly discover that this missionary gig is full of just a bunch of inadequates who struggle with the same things you do. Be real. Be transparent. It will serve you (and others) well.

Alone in the City: Day Two

"If you aren't content with me here, what makes you think you will be content with me somewhere else?"

I've heard the Spirit speak that to my soul too many times before.

Discontent. Always look back, looking forward, wanting more, never appreciating the moment.
 
"But godliness with contentment is a great gain." (1 Timothy 6.6HCSB)

 

These words speak loudly to me.

 

Godliness--with contentment--is great gain. What good is godliness without contentment? Without it, my heart is only seeking godliness for the sake of gain (1 Timothy 6.5)

 

"Am I enough?"

 

He asks me this. And my reply is, "Yes! Of course You are enough!"

 

"Then why are you discontent?"

 

Touché.

 

My discontentment speaks much louder than my empty words, stating He is sufficient but living as though He isn't. Always longing for more--even "good" things. But missing the point--that He is enough. His plan is perfect. Not my preconceived notions of what He has for me.

 

We all like Philippians 4.13--I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me.

 

It's inspirational, warm, powerful.

 

But what about the preceeding verses that lead to Paul's bold statement? Those are hard.

 

"I don’t say this out of need, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.  I know both how to have a little, and I know how to have a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content—whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need.................. I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me." (Philippians 4.11-13 HCSB)

 

Contentment. No matter the circumstances--I can be content because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

 

And if the Apostle Paul had to learn this, why do I think it will come naturally for me?

 

"I don't know how to learn this," I say, frustrated that I still struggle, fight, fail. Shouldn't this battle be won?

 

"How do I learn?!" I ask Him boldy.

 

"I'm teaching you now," He says.

 

I learn through the hard.

 

 

 

 

 

Created to Praise

We sat on the back-flap of the boat and it was Christmas Eve. Elliott was sleeping and it was an unusually cool mid-morning. The missionary kids were busy doing their schoolwork, leaving just me and Richard to gaze in wonder.

Pink dolphins at play.

We had seen the pink dolphins before, but mostly fleeting glances. This time there they were, five or six that we could count, leaping and playing in the river for nearly an hour.

Beautiful.

That was over a year ago on a trip to the Jung|e but the memory is clearly etched. Now I sit on my couch Stateside and hear the sound of birds outside my window, announcing Spring is finally making its debut.

And it hits me, though it's not a new thought: All of creation is glorifying God, yet I, in all my faithlessness and fearfulness, worry and fret.

The dolphins play. The birds chirp. The planets rotate. The stars blaze. The grass grows. The clouds pour out. The whole Universe sings His praises by doing what it was created to do.

The me tries to do life by myself.

I tell God I can handle this one. He can wait.

Instead of shouting His praises and waiting on Him, I shout my disbelief and demand He do things my way.

Little me, boldly defying the One who wrote my very DNA. Forgetting my DNA was indeed created for the purpose of praising Him.

I worry and the Holy Spirit whispers:

Look at the birds of the sky: They don’t sow or reap or gather into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren’t you worth more than they? Can any of you add a single cubit to his height by worrying? (Matthew 6.26-27)

I demand my way and the Holy Spirit whispers:

Where were you when I established the earth?
Tell Me, if you have understanding. (Job 38.4)

For a moment my heart is silenced. Who am I?

And all at once I realize I am tired and the Holy Spirit whispers:
Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. (Matthew 11.28-30)

You will find rest, He says. My burden is light, He says.

That sounds wonderful, my heart says. And I continue this journey of letting go and letting God.

So What or So That

I went to a women's conference last night with a new friend of mine from here at JAARS, the ministry Richard's training with.

The message title was "Sometimes He Whispers, Sometimes He Roars". I was particularly interested in this because my prayer life has been.... well.... lacking severely in recent days. I thought, "Maybe this will give me a much needed boost/perspective." I admit that as lame as it may be to "need" a reason to pray, sometimes that is the case for me. [Any one out there understand this??]

As the conference began I immediately got the impression that I wasn't going to get what I had come for.

But turns out that was totally fine because God had a little something else to say to me. You may have read my post about quote journaling, where I like to write down quotes that inspire me, encourage me, and challenge me so I can reference them later. Well, I left with only one written down:

"Your life can either be a "so what" or a "so that"."

At first I thought, "Hm. Interesting thought." Then the Holy Spirit said, "Listen to what I'm saying to you."

That usually gets my attention.

My life can either be a "so what" or a "so that". I can live in such a way that when the end comes around, whether that's tomorrow or when I'm 95, all that can be said is, "So what? She lived, she died. And eternity is no different because of it."

Or, I can live in such a way that all of my actions, both intentional and unintentional, are done "so that" God's Kingdom can be furthered. I could live in such a way that when the end comes, others can say, "She lived so that others may live."

Wow.

Pretty profound.

Going through my day today, I find myself asking, "Is what I'm doing a "so what" or a "so that"?" Whether it's browsing the web, cleaning my house, teaching my son, encouraging my husband, reading, writing, praying, listening, learning, loving, laughing..... is it something that really matters?

Guess God gave me the perspective I needed.

Are you living a "so what" or a "so that" life?