Dear Ashley From Two Years Ago...

Dear Ashley From Two Years Ago,

Hey, it’s me. (Or you, rather.) It is two years today that you have been here in Brazil (a year and a half in the Jungle) and I wanted to let you know a few things about this journey you are about to embark on. Go ahead and sit down. I know you’re tired with that baby girl growing in your belly and that two year old boy all wild and rowdy. I know you are experiencing the paradox of both utter excitement that your dreams are coming true and downright terror at the unknown that lies before you.

Let me assure you, this is normal and completely justified.

Here are some things you should know:

That little blonde-haired boy sitting next to you on the plane with his paci and airplane blankie? He isn’t as big as you think he is. He’s a little guy and he is going to prove to be both your sanity and source of insanity over the next several months. Enjoy him through and through because he is going to grow up before your very eyes and you are going to look back fondly on those times it was just three of you curled up watching Backyardigans in that 400 square foot air-condition-less apartment in the city with nothing to do and nowhere to go.

He will throw out his paci and trade in his Huggies for a mini-machete and Superman undies soon enough, so stop stressing the “when” of those things. Until then, let him have his paci in the line at the grocery store, even though it’s supposed to be just for bedtime now. Remember, he is trying to figure out what all these strange people are saying, too, so let him have his comforts. (By the way, stop stressing about him learning the language, too. He will learn it way before you and you will soon find your three year old correcting your grammar.)

That sweet baby girl curled up in your rib-cage that won’t let you sleep at night? You’re prayers will be answered in the affirmative and she is going to be the easiest baby God every created in the history of ever. You will survive giving birth to her in another country with a doctor that speaks your going-on-third language in a hospital where you feel painfully out of place. Everyone will think she is a baby doll when you take her out in public because that is exactly what she will look like. Hold her tight and rock her long because your life is going to get so busy soon that you are going to miss a lot of those moments and won’t even realize it before it is too late.

Your amazing husband and best friend? Your marriage going to have a tough go that first year. Life is going to get incredibly stressful and lonely and instead of leaning into one another, you’re going to push hard against each other. In fact, you are going to reach a point that you feel like roommates, simply coexisting. I know, you don’t believe it, but it’s true. Hang in there, because by God’s grace you make it through and you eventually find your footing again. You will laugh together and cry together and say, “What in the world were we thinking?!” more times than you can count. Lean into each other and remember you are both new at this thing called missionary life. Don’t be afraid to laugh and be quick to forgive. The seasons pass quickly.

Those plans to move into an indigenous village? Ain’t gonna happen, y’all. You will mourn your dream as you bury it, but trust me, later you rejoice. Life is hard enough in the small town you will move to and God is gracious to lead you elsewhere. And oh the plans He has!!

In fact, He will bring an Indigenous family to you. They will live with you for six months and it will be a stretching experience. Soak it in. You need these life lessons through this young family, lessons they don’t even know they are teaching. God will knit your heart with many of the indigenous people around you. Some of them with take advantage of you and turn their backs on you. Let it go. God sees. Others will teach you what it is to humbly serve, expecting nothing in return. You will see what it means to suffer for Christ and you will be stronger for it.

Which leads me to my next point and I hope you are still sitting down. In less than a year on the mission field, you will adopt a seven-year-old street girl… and she will undo all that you have ever known about love. She will steal your heart and you will beg God to make her your own. And when He does you will cry and ask Him to take it away. It is gong to be the hardest thing you have ever done. She will fight against your love. You will have to hold her down as she kicks and screams, demanding to go back to the street, after you just spent months fighting to give her your last name. God will put you through the fire with her and it will hurt. Don’t run away though. This, too, is worth it. He gives beauty for ashes.

There is more. God is going to give you a sweet lady in your life named Rosa. She will teach you to cut up a whole chicken and how to gut a fish (though she will laugh along with you when it takes you thirty minutes to do what she can do in five!) She will amaze you with her patience and awe you with her endurance. You will spend many hours talking and your kids will call her “Tia” (Auntie). She is going to be the Director of the Children’s Home that God is going to lead you to start.

Yes. Children’s Home. I know. I still think it’s crazy, too.

Your heart is going to break for the children on the streets of this town who have been abused and neglected. You will see their bruises and you will feed their bellies. You will bandage their wounds and you will give some of them the first hugs of their lives. You will lose sleep over them and you will pray for miracles. And God will allow you to be a part of those miracles.

During these first two years, you are going to be dumbfounded because you will come to realize something you never really considered before: you are totally ill-equipped for absolutely everything God has called you to do. You will fill inadequate as a mother. You will resist your role as wife. You will struggle to adapt to the culture. You will cry yourself to sleep many a night. You will get tired and lonely and scared and overwhelmed. You will miss family and friends back home. And also Chick-fil-a.

But you know what else? You will see God do amazing things. You will build strong friendships with people who look nothing like you. You will master your third language. You will learn what sacrifice really looks like. You will watch you kids speak multiple languages without even realizing that is STINKIN’ CRAZY! You will learn what ‘wife’ really means and it will become your favorite title.

And all of these will be to the glory of God for the very fact that you are inadequate. But with Christ, all these things are possible.

So relax. Laugh out loud. Soak it in. Endure.

It’s a beautiful journey you’re on. Don’t try to run it as you will miss too much. Just walk.

With still a ways to go,

Ashley

P.S. And another thing. When everyone around you down here pretends they have it all together, don’t believe them. You will quickly discover that this missionary gig is full of just a bunch of inadequates who struggle with the same things you do. Be real. Be transparent. It will serve you (and others) well.

Thankful Thursday: Baby Steps

I finally had them all occupied. With my kids and the two other MKs staying with me splashing happily in the basin of water around back and soaking each other to the core, I quietly slipped into my bedroom for some “me” time.

About the time I unplugged the computer from the charger, my oldest walked in and in her newfound English speaking confidence asked, “Mommy, will you play game with me?”

No. I wanted to say it. No, I don’t want to play a game with you. I want to sit, alone, uninterrupted and try to get some things accomplished that have been calling out to me for days. That e-mail to the Consulate about the visa. Those e-mails to supporters. Those pictures uploaded.

These things were not going to accomplish themselves and as far as I could see it, now was my only time.

“Yes. What game would you like to play?” I felt the words squeeze from my lips. I regretted them as soon as they came out. But alas, it was done and I was walking back to the kitchen table to play a game.

She picked the matching rhyme game… the English matching rhyme game that I knew she didn’t know how to play. I held back my sigh. I didn’t want to play a game to begin with, but I CERTAINLY didn’t want to play a game I was going to have to teach.

And then it happened. She surprised me.

During rest time, she had worked with Jesse, another missionary kid who is staying with us for a few days while Richard is out of town, and had learned not only several new English words but also what they rhymed with.

To say I was shocked would be an understatement. She had taken the initiative and she had done something that she could be proud of. And I was proud, too.

And thankful. Thankful that I had taken the time out of my “busy” life to sit with her and be in that moment.

My mind went back to the little almost-savage girl that had sat in my living room floor just over a year ago, angry to the point of screaming because she couldn’t put together a simple puzzle made for a three year old. She was six and a half.

Thankful.

Some days—many days—are still filled with us struggling against that street girl who is still protecting herself from the cold world in which she survived her first six years. A world full of hate and abuse and neglect and hunger and abandonment. She does not yet fully grasp what it is to be adopted, rescued, chosen. She lies compulsively to protect herself because she doesn’t know what it means to be a daughter in a family that loves and speaks truth.

So I sat there and high-fived my brown-eyed big girl, amazed at how far she has come, though so keenly aware of how far she has yet to go.

Thankful for baby steps.

Glimpse at the Good

In the midst of the hard, like little beams of light breaking through the clouds, God gives us little glimpses of what He’s doing here to keep us going.

Here’s a list of some of the great things God has and is doing in our part of the world.

--We are facilitating the start of the very first children’s home in Benjamin Constant. It will be called “Bendita Esperança” (Blessed Hope) and is an extension of the Blessed Hope ministry of The Common Thread Community, our mission board.

Pray for this project. We must act to break the cycle of alcoholism, teen pregnancy, drug addiction, abortion, and prostitution in this small town, and it starts with reaching the next generation for Christ.

--We are discipling a young Jagua Indian couple that is living in our home.

Their tribe consists of 6-8,000 people. They’re passionate about reaching their own for Christ. We’re pouring into them so they can pour into others. We are working to get the Jagua Bible (partially translated) onto audio devices so that every single Jagua family can have access to the Word, regardless of their reading abilities. Pray.

--Richard is coordinating the Indigenous Seminary--started by Indians, attended by Indians. They have asked Richard to organize and structure the ins and outs as that is not a strong point in Indigenous cultures.

Lord willing, more than 160 Indians from 5 different tribes will gather together for the entire month of January to study God’s Word, many for the first time. Professors from four different countries will teach courses in two different languages, all with the goal of equipping these young men and women to go back to their own people to disciple new believers.

--We are adopting a little girl who, without the hope of Christ, was on the track to become a drug-addicted prostitute like her birth mother. God has brought her into our family, a beautiful depiction of the Gospel.

We meet with the Judge during the first week of October. Pray for a smooth process.

--Richard will be in the States for two weeks in November to raise $300K for the helicopter.

With this tool, we will be able to reach more tribes deep in the Javari Valley who are dying from preventable disease and treatable injuries in an effort to demonstrate the Love that motivates us. It’s a lot of money, no doubt. But we serve the God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills… and the hills the cattle are on… so He’ll provide it all in His timing.

--Marcos Mayoruna continues to disciple young men (currently there are 15) from the Javari Valley who have come to study in a small town not far from us. Through Marcos, they receive biblical training and discipleship as well as lodging, food, and other basic needs.

The Javari Project continues to help provide many of these needs, freeing Marcos to do more ministry in the Javari. Thank you to those of you who sponsor these young men through this project.

Thank you for your prayers.

Thank you for your encouragement.

Thank you for your giving.

God is at work.

If you would like to donate to our ministry or any of these projects, please visit

https://onrealm.org/commonthread/register

Not Yet

A sweet friend of mine and I were sitting by the sandbox watching our boys throw sand at one another this morning, talking about life and kids and so on.

She asked me, "So, how are you feeling about everything--your international move and all that is going on?"

With a sigh I replied, "I'm so ready to just be there."

I think I've reached a point where I'm so burdened by the need of the region that we are going to and I feel so out of place here in the States that I just want to go. I want to be in the heat and humidity. I want to eat beans and rice and fish. I want to settle down a bit and let Elliott make friends with the little Indian kids. I want to be far, far away from some of the silliness of this life here, all the things that Satan would try to use to distract us from what really matters--the glory of God among the nations.

But God says, "Not yet."

And He says that for a reason. He says it for a reason I don't fully understand, but I trust Him.

I trust Him because I can look back over the last three years of our life and see how He's shaped us and grown us. How He's taught us and molded us just a little more into His image.

And we still have a long way to go.

Every day we pray for wisdom and humility. For strength and perseverance. To be just a little more like Him.

So, He hears our prayer and compassionately says "Not yet" as He molds us and makes us into the image of His Son.

And it's tiring but worth it because I know one day soon we will be in the Jungle.

And we'll be tired there too... but it'll be worth it.

Thankful Thursday: God's Patience

As I read the e-mail my heart sank. When I got the phone call with the good news, I was ecstatic! When Richard told me about his conversation, I became worried. When we hadn't heard back, I was stressed. When I read the text, I was encouraged.

All of this in just a day's time.

At the end of the day I was emotionally drained, worried, stressed, doubtful, and confused from the emotional rollercoaster I had voluntarily put myself on. None of these were emotions sparked by the Holy Spirit but I felt like I couldn't help myself. With each new piece of news flooding my life I was being carried away by my feelings and emotions and it left me defeated and exhausted.

When we face criticism, I feel defeated.
When we face financial uncertainty, I feel fear.
When we face conflict, I feel stress.

And I find myself lingering on these emotions much longer than when we get great news about a new ministry partner or an encouraging word from a friend or a generous gift from a fellow believer. I allow the disappointments and frustrations to rule and reign in my heart instead of the peace of God. I miss the little blessings He's pouring on me because I can't get past the disappointments.

Then I realize that I'm missing, once again, the big picture. The one that shows God in control and me along for the journey. The one where God works out the details and I wait in patience and awe of how He'll pull it all together in the end.

Sometimes I forget that things just aren't up to me. I don't get to decide when or how or even if things will work out. I don't get to make things happen my way.

So many analogies come to mind with parenting.

So often I have to say to Elliott "you can't pitch a fit and get what you want" or "you can't yell 'no' and get your way". And I bet if I had a dollar for every time I've had to tell Elliott to wait patiently, we'd be millionaires! Yet somehow these ideas don't sink into my own head.

But God is so patient.

He's patient when I'm fearful again that things won't work out. He's patient when I'm angry about hurtful words from someone who doesn't know me. He's patient when I want to try to handle things on my own first. He's patient when I'm prideful and selfish. He's patient when I don't trust His wisdom.

And every time He gently reminds me that He is ultimately in control, I find myself back on my face saying, "Thank You for being so very, very patient with me."

What a good, good God we serve.

Anxiously Awaiting?

"Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing."

2 Timothy 4:8

Yesterday was not a very good day. Just one of those days when everything seems to go wrong all at once on every level. Obviously, it could have been worse, but it's the little things that satan likes to get you with.

Any-who, one of the [many] things was Richard's flights back from Jamaica. He has been away from home since February 24 and, even though I was with him for about a week of that time, it's been a looong couple of weeks. There have been a lot of good times, but sometimes traveling can just wear you down. I think all of the exhaustion from the past couple of weeks culminated into yesterday. He first flight was delayed which caused him to miss his second flight which put him on a later flight... whew! He finally made it in last night around 8:45pm and as I sat in my car hoping each person that walked out of the airport doors would be him, I felt a little tugging at my heart from the Holy Spirit....

Am I that anxious for the return of the Lord?

Do I look forward to the day that He breaks through the clouds and calls us to be with Him forever?

Maybe the more important question is: Will I be ready? Will you be ready?

I know that I'm ready in the sense of my eternal destination, but would God be pleased with how I am spending my life right now? What am I doing for His Kingdom? How am I growing closer to Him?

When Richard finally came out my heart skipped a beat. He got in the car and kissed me and then kissed Elliott and we talked the whole way home about his trip and about Elliott and all the things he had missed while he was gone. I thought to myself, "Will my meeting with Christ be this way? Will we be in such close communion and have such sweet fellowship?"

 Food for thought, but more than that it's a challenge to my soul.