Alone in the City: Day Six

"I just feel like I don't have any control at all!"

I said it with anger, through tears while Richard listened patiently.

Then he calmly said the words that were oh so true, but not what I wanted to hear: "Maybe that's the point."

"Of course that's the point, but I don't want that. I want to be able to control something in my life!" That's what I told God. The irony of the arrogance doesn't escape me. I see it for what it is, but I know God sees it in my heart anyway. May as well just say it.

The more I ask God to show me my heart, the uglier things get.

Today, I spent most of the day working on our ministry stuff and was confronted with more arrogance and irony in my heart.

We recently transitioned mission boards and somewhere in the transition we lost some supporters along the way for one reason or another.

And I worry.

I worry as I adjust the spreadsheet to reflect the new numbers and it's less than what it was before. Money has always been a struggle for me. I don't like crunching numbers, paying bills... I don't even like to know what's in our account. It's a source of stress.

And that's wrong.

The irony is found in the fact that I know that God has never NOT provided a need. Even now I sit here with food in my belly, internet at my fingertips, a glass of clean water next to me, and even a list of people who have said in just the last few days, "Let me know if you need anything!"

Meanwhile, in the Jungle, babies are dying from dirty water, malaria, and yellow fever. Tribes remain hopeless because the Gospel hasn't arrived and they watch as their people die daily from preventable disease. Indigenous missionaries long to go into the depths of the Jungle to reach their own people, but the funds aren't there. Marcos (who you can read about here, here, and here) supports himself, his wife, their 2 year old son and 11 Indian students on $250 a month.

Here, we still have more money coming in each month than 98% of the world will see in a year.

And I have the audacity to ask God to let me have control of something in my life. What a mess I would make!

My American heart is so scarred from a culture of excess and greed and I ask God to forgive me, deliver me. I want to see clearly.

"Create in me a clean heart, oh God. And renew a right spirit within me..." (Psalm 51.10)

I pray this, knowing that it will hurt.  After all, "pressure creates diamonds and fire refines the gold" (Tripp Lee).

But it would be oh so very worth it to have the faith of these Christian Indians in the Jung|e who daily fall before a holy God, begging Him, not for money or things or even security and certainly NOT to have control, but for strength to endure so that their families can know the Truth.

God forgive my faithless, arrogant, selfish, prideful heart.

Make me more like the very people You have called me to.

Alone in the City: Days Four and Five

Sorry, no deep spiritual revelations in my heart these two days. Just this:

And these:

 

God gave me the chance to visit Porto de Galinhas (google it, I think you'll like what you see...) here in Brazil Friday-Sunday. I didn't want to go at first because I am an introvert (an introverted missionary sounds like quite the oxymoron, but that's an entirely different blog post) and had no idea what to expect spending an entire weekend with people I didn't know, in a place I didn't know, speaking a language I barely know.

 

Summary? I'm so glad I went. Brazilians are some of the absolute nicest people on the planet and made me feel like we had been friends forever.

 

Plus, I got to sleep in an air conditioned room. Bonus.

 

I'm finding in my ripe old age of 26 that sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is just rest.

 

Rest in God. Rest in His blessings. Rest in the opportunities.

 

Rest.

 

And that's just what I did and while I sit here alone again in our apartment, I feel refreshed and renewed both spiritually and physically.

 

"Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11.28

 

Thank you God for rest.

Alone in the City: Day Three

God is beautiful everywhere.

This simple yet profound thought came to my mind tonight as I looked up at the halfway moon in the cloudless sky, driving back from the most beautiful beach Brazil has to offer.

And I felt very, very small.

But it wasn’t a condescending kind of small, like I was useless or worthless. It was a feeling of peace, knowing that I am small, and that’s good.

It’s safe to be small when your God is so big.

There’s a message that my own husband has taught several times that I came to my mind tonight. (For the record, it’s not fun when the Holy Spirit uses your spouse’s messages to speak to you… it’s a blow to the pride.)

It comes from John chapter 6. To keep it short and sweet, Jesus pretty much lays it all out for the religious elite. He knew their hearts and ignored their empty words, stating they wanted to follow him when in fact all they wanted was what He had to offer.

In verses 26-27, Jesus calls them out, “I assure you: you are looking for Me, not because you saw the signs, but because you ate the loaves and were filled. Don’t work for the food that perishes, but for the food that lasts for eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you, because God the Father has set His seal of approval on Him.”

In short, they didn’t want Jesus for Jesus, they wanted Jesus for His stuff.

Tonight, as I looked up at the moon, I was reminded that God doesn’t in fact need me. It’s not as if when I entered the world, He said, “Finally! She’s here!”

He is beautifully at work and His creation sings His praises and I am very small, nearly invisible.

And He says, “I have chosen you. I don’t need to use you, I want to. And that is good.”

But so often I find myself not wanting Jesus for who He is, but rather for what it brings me. Even the good things—peace, joy, love, hope—I want these more than I want Jesus. And that’s where the problem comes.

The missionary life is often deceitfully intriguing to the outside world. Stories of adventures and conversions and living in a far off place fill our minds as pictures of poverty and redemption fill our eyes. And it’s easy to love God there. It’s easy to be passionate and faithful in the excitement.

It’s the mundane that’ll getcha.

“Can you want me in the mundane?” He asks. “Do you want Me for Me, or do you want Me for what I can give you?”

The answer is hard, but I humbly acknowledge that most times I want Him for what He can give. I want the adventure and the passion and the influence. I fumble when life is just changing diapers and washing dishes and cleaning up messes and living the day to day. I am discontent there in the ordinary.

I fail most in the commonplace.

And He says to me, “I am beautiful there, too. You don’t see it because you don’t want Me. You want what I can give you.”

Tonight, I felt very small—just as I should. And I ask Him to help me desire Him for who He is and not for what I desire that He give me.

He is God in Heaven, and here am I on earth.

God, help me want you in the ordinary.

 

 

 

Alone in the City: Day Two

"If you aren't content with me here, what makes you think you will be content with me somewhere else?"

I've heard the Spirit speak that to my soul too many times before.

Discontent. Always look back, looking forward, wanting more, never appreciating the moment.
 
"But godliness with contentment is a great gain." (1 Timothy 6.6HCSB)

 

These words speak loudly to me.

 

Godliness--with contentment--is great gain. What good is godliness without contentment? Without it, my heart is only seeking godliness for the sake of gain (1 Timothy 6.5)

 

"Am I enough?"

 

He asks me this. And my reply is, "Yes! Of course You are enough!"

 

"Then why are you discontent?"

 

Touché.

 

My discontentment speaks much louder than my empty words, stating He is sufficient but living as though He isn't. Always longing for more--even "good" things. But missing the point--that He is enough. His plan is perfect. Not my preconceived notions of what He has for me.

 

We all like Philippians 4.13--I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me.

 

It's inspirational, warm, powerful.

 

But what about the preceeding verses that lead to Paul's bold statement? Those are hard.

 

"I don’t say this out of need, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.  I know both how to have a little, and I know how to have a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content—whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need.................. I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me." (Philippians 4.11-13 HCSB)

 

Contentment. No matter the circumstances--I can be content because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

 

And if the Apostle Paul had to learn this, why do I think it will come naturally for me?

 

"I don't know how to learn this," I say, frustrated that I still struggle, fight, fail. Shouldn't this battle be won?

 

"How do I learn?!" I ask Him boldy.

 

"I'm teaching you now," He says.

 

I learn through the hard.

 

 

 

 

 

Alone in the City: Day One

Richard and Elliott are in the States for the next nine days. The past two months of our lives have been an emotional roller coaster as we adapt to city life here in Recife, Brazil, waiting for the birth of our baby girl before we head back to the Jungle. I am on a spiritual journey that I want to share because I think it's important, as Believers, to be transparent. Over the next week, I'll be posting what God is doing in my heart as I ask Him to pluck the weeds in my life. I hope you'll appreciate my transparency and not think less of me for it. I hope you'll pray for me. But mostly, I hope it encourages you.

It's quiet here.

Aside from the noise of the street below our apartment complex and the swirling fan above my head, it's very quiet. No little feet pattering through the house or pleas for snacks or movies. Just quiet.

I play TV shows in the background just for the sound of human voice because the quiet is too much sometimes.

"I don't want this," I tell Him. "Any of it." I figure I may as well be honest since He knows my heart anyway.

I'm frustrated and I am disappointed and I am discontent. And He listens because He knows me. He knows my selfish heart and my clinched fists and He just listens.

Even He is quiet these days.

And I cry tears of anger because I don't get my way and I tell Him I know--I KNOW--it could be worse and life is, in fact, very good in comparison with 98% of the world around me but I WANT to pout and I WANT to feel sorry for myself because I am in fact self absorbed and so very short-sighted.

"Is it so wrong to want more?" I ask Him. "I want to do something great for You, and here I am with nothing at all to do. I'm alone here."

And His reply?

"Just listen to Me."

I'm taken aback as my pride sets in.

"But I HAVE listened! Don't you see where I am? I gave it all away. I left everything and everyone that I know. I am right, smack-dab in the middle of where You said to go. I did what You said to do. I have listened!" I answer, frustrated, tired.

"Just listen to Me."

He says it over and over every time I complain. He doesn't raise His voice but says it softly, gently, like a parent trying to soothe a crying newborn.

I spiritually cross my arms and furrow my brow. And He waits.

Waits for me to listen.

Jungle Trip (part 3 of 3)

As we were doing the interviews for the students, a Brazilian man came up and asked if we wanted some Jacare (amazon crocodile). I have to say that I prefer Jacaré over any other meat – it is the cleanest, leanest and best tasting meat I have ever had. Don’t even think of comparing it to gator! It is like white steak…so I was listening to an Indian speak some broken Portuguese, writing his summary in English and listening to the “Jacaré conversation”. I knew they didn’t have the funds to buy it but when I head the price of 30 Reales (15US) I asked if they wanted it (I already knew the answer). I bought us lunch. I continued the interviews and took pictures of each young man to finish the project packet to send out to donors. While I was doing that, a couple of the young men went and prepared our feast.

As we wrapped up, we all headed to the eating area. Lunch – Jacaré and rice, with farinha of course. They also fixed me some juice. I didn’t realize it until that point but I was in desperate need of some fluids. We thanked the Lord for His provision – in Matis. I want to quickly say here, it never ceases to amaze me to hear people with different languages pray to our Father. Amazing to think that in a instant He created all these languages and now, some that have never mentioned His name are now beginning to thank Him for His provision.

They graciously served me first and gave me the best 2 pieces of meat. I was honored and humbled. Thankful that God has given me favor among these people and humbled by the fact that He would use me to serve them and help them learn and grow to share Christ with their families.

After lunch, it was time for me to go. I thanked them all and told them I looked forward to returning in January. Shapu, who has an incredible testimony of how Jesus used a Jaguar to cruch his skull as a 12 year old, to get him to the Gospel, helped me get to the taxi place. It was a great time together as we shared what the Lord was doing in our hearts. He shared with me that he REALLY wants to return to his village, his heart is broken for his people. He is ready to graduate next year and is already planning his return to his people. He is going with the other Matis and Marcos during December to give the Gospel to his people. I was so encouraged to hear his heart and see what the Lord is giving him vision to do. He helped me pick a safe taxi and I was off.

That afternoon, I had the opportunity to meet with Pastor Lolo in Benjamin. He left his village and made the hour trip up to the town to meet with me. I was excited to talk to him. We spent some time talking about what the Lord has been doing in the village and I shared the desire I had to help sponsor him and the churches first missionary (imagine that people, these “primitive” Indians have started a church and within 4 months have sent out their first missionary to another village.). I explained the program that I would be launching to get financial support in for these guys so they can reach more of their own. We talked about how good the Lord was and all the ways he was blessing us.


I told him I wanted to treat him to lunch on Saturday and also wanted to invite his wife, Fernando (the missionary) and Otasio (the village medical leader). He said they would be free, we prayed together and both headed out.

I tried to find a free place to stay with several of our contacts in Leticia and Tabatinga but no one was home. I ended up having to get a hotel but I was very glad to have accomplished so much.

Saturday, I checked out, found peanut butter in the local store for my pregnant wife and son and then headed to the restaurant. As soon as I got close, they were already there. I want to explain the depth of that. Brazilian culture (much like most of Central and South America) is NOT punctual for anything. The Indians are even worse –they come from a culture where time is counted by moon phases – not hours and minutes. So when I arrived 15 mins earlier than our agreed upon time, I expected to wait at least an hour. To my surprise they had already arrived. Otasio, whom the Lord saved on one of my trips back in April, was the first to greet me with a big hug and a “Nuxmaxē  Pa Chauenee”, Ticuna for “Hello my dear brother”. Otasio is a man of great influence in his village, it is amazing what the Lord has done with his heart. This is a man that would have run me out of his village less than 2 years ago because of his hate and distrust of the Branco. Now, with the Lord changing his heart, not only has he invited me into his village, he has also told the chief, who is against us, that we are welcome not matter what he thinks and has even gone as far as to give a large portion of his land to ME to build a house for my family. When God changes a heart, it truly is something amazing.

Otasios brother who is also Lolos father-in-law, Alcydes, was also invited to the lunch. This was the last big miracle of the trip. Alcydes, from all I can gather, is not a believer. His daughter is a VERY strong Christian and her husband, Lolo, is the Pastor that I will be discipling when we make it to the village full time. We installed a water purification system in the village in April. Most of Alcydes’ family lives there now and he has great influence there. After hearing from his family the work that I had done for their benefit, he wanted to meet me. We had a great time talking and he thanked me for all that we had done. He talked about future projects and he told me I was welcome any time. Now, here is the BIG part of the story. He is a member of the elite Indian affairs agency that is run by the Government here. They have been the single biggest hurdle to evangelization of the Indians. They rate missionaries on the same scale as loggers and drug traffickers. Now, because the Lord has given us favor, he is writing an official document from the agency granting us unlimited access to live and work in this village and not only that but to also bring teams to work as well! It is always amazing how the Lord works. He has moved even the heart of an unbeliever, who has a great amount of power and influence to help us do what He has called us to do.

I left the lunch VERY excited and humbled once again. God is certainly up to something in this place. One thing I have always believed and was confirmed even more for me on this trip is this; God created these cultures to glorify Him. They don’t need me to bring in a denomination, a certain type of dress of a certain type of music. As a matter of fact, they don’t need me, a branco, for anything! Yet the Lord, in His infinite Grace and Wisdom, decided when he created their race, that he would not only allow but USE me to serve these people. He has been knitting this story for a long time. Their souls were on His mind as He hung on the cross and He is letting me be a part of it. I have NOTHING to boast in but the cross, everything I “have” or “can do” was given to me by Him to be used for His glory and it can be taken away just as quickly.

I am committed to serving these people and guiding in any way I can to help them see the cross. I want them to know what it is like to live a life devoted to Yahweh. I want them to see that He created them for a purpose and the He has plans to glorify HIMSELF through their lives. Some have caught that and they are teaching others to the extent they are able. My goal in life is to enable these people in any way I can to reach their own. After all, God has given them the call to missions as well – they don’t need a white man to “show them how it is done”. They need a bit of guidance, discipleship and love so they can grow in Him and lead others to do the same. I have always planned and am more than willing to live my entire life with these people, with my people, my brothers and sisters, but I am praying that the Lord will allow me to “work myself out of a job” to the point where they have a strong leadership that is fully independent.

Thank you for your prayers and support in our lives. We are SO ready to be in the jungle full time. We love these people and miss them dearly. If you would like to learn more about the 2 projects God has laid on my heart to begin, please contact me at B.r.whittemore@gmail.com.

Jungle Trip (part 2 of 3)

We arrived there at the small place where Marcos does his discipleship program. I was apart from the group from Manaus so I headed down as they asked Eli a few questions. I was humbled by what happened next. Indians are very quiet, non-emotional (outwardly) people. As I approached the thatch roof hut where they meet for church, Shapu and Tumi Matis ( 2 young men I had spent time with over the past several trips) came out with a BIG smile on their face and gave me a big hug as I walked up to them. They had previously taught me some of their language so we had a brief exchange in Matis. As I walked in to the “Maloca”, I realized there was something bigger going on. There were about 35 Matis men and women and children sitting in there with Marcos. In this crowd included 3 top witch doctors within their culture. One, Tumi’s father, is mentioned is a previous post here. The pastor and his family came in and took their seat, I always seek to blend with the Indians (although not much “blending” actually happens, they appreciate the attempt) so I stood in corner with my new found posse.

I knew the following conversation would be interesting as the Pastor was there to see what he could do for these people. I have had the opportunity to spend a lot of time around Indians and I have learned and been taught that you always ask how to handle things and how certain questions may be perceived. The problem with us as outsiders is we may have the best of intentions but without the correct knowledge of how to handle certain topics and situations we can ruin opportunities to build relationships with these people. Unfortunately, that is what happened next. The Pastor began a monologue with about 35 people that are VERY primitive and are just now beginning to think about knowing more about Christ (by the way, the reason they want to know more about Christ is because of Marcos and his ministry but that is for later).

The Pastor explained who he was (through Tumi as the translator) and what he did. He explained that he was there to help and wanted to know what he could do to help them. He then moved into telling them that the most important thing they could ever do is accept Christ into their heart as their Savior and only trust in Him. That life is only available in Him and that He is the most important decision in their life. He said all this was clearly written in the Bible and they could see it for themselves. I want to take a minute and say that everything he said was 100% true. It is the message that gives me hope and a reason for life. It is why I was in this place. My heart burns for these people to have their eyes opened to who He is. BUT, and this is a big one, these people literally have NO idea who Jesus is. All they know is, once again, a “Branco” (literally means “White person” but is the favored term by Indians for any non-indian) was telling them how to live their life and what they needed to do. What happened next took the color out of the Brazilian Pastors face and literally made him a “Branco”. He asked if there were any questions, the lead Pajé (witchdoctor) spoke up. He looked squarely at the Pastor and said, “Have you ever seen your God?”. The answer was in the negative. That was all the Pajé needed to hear. He said, “How are you going to come to me and tell me about this God of yours when you have not even seen Him?” “All you “broncos” have is a book to read about Him but you never see Him”. His next words left us all thinking a bit, “I have seen your God, I spoke with Him, I see many gods and talk to them frequently – and all you have is a book. Don’t tell me what I need to do when you can’t even see Him.”

I was expecting some sort of response from the Pastor – something….but he was truly speechless. He had just offended a Pajé by insinuating (not intentionally) that he had all the answers and could fix everything for them. When the Pajé returned with a difficult answer, there was nowhere else to go. That is when Marcos stepped in and asked them to let the Pastor know what they needed physically. They began to speak about wanting to have a fence built around Marcos’ property to keep their young men protected. They loved Marcos and what he was doing for their children but they felt like the boys were unsafe without any type of fence. The Pastor said, “Ok, we will see what we can do”. Now, I was homeschooled and I was once told that you can tell if someone was homeschooled by the way they run from awkward confrontation. I don’t know if that is true in a general sense but it is for me. I don’t really know what happened after that because Pastor Eli and I both left the Maloca. I used it as a chance to speak with Eli more about what he needed and the needs of the seminary. We talked about that for a little while. We then brought up the elephant in the room. He said they were great people and had helped financially in the past. He said he understood their heart but that they didn’t understand they were doing more harm than good with attempts to make a convert. You have to remember, we grew up in a world surrounded by Christianity (and still so few actually “get it”) and here we are trying to give the Gospel with ZERO background, explanation and absolutely no life examples for them to see (as far as Brancos are concerned).

They soon finished up the meeting and they were on their way. I went back into the Maloca once the awkwardness had cleared and began talking with some friends. Very quickly, about 15 of the Matis came and surrounded me. They wanted to know about me, how I knew their boys, etc. I used it as a time to talk about how much I love their culture (no smoke here, I have always had a special place in my heart for the Matis over all the other tribes). I talked about how I had met one of the Pajés (who was there) in 2010 and what a privilege it was for me to be there with them. We had some fun as they taught me some Matis words. Essentially, I didn’t come in and try to convert them. I did speak the Gospel in words they didn’t understand. I did everything I could to live it out and love them. I wanted them to see that there was something different about this Branco. I want them to see that their young men respect me and that I respect them and that even though I am an outsider, I don’t want anything for myself – I want to love them, unconditionally and let them know that they are of utmost important in my life. After all, that is what Christ did. You may argue that He also said to PREACH the Gospel. That is very true, but He also had certain people go to the Jews and other to the Gentiles because He knew how to best reach them. It is my firm conviction that these people will be reached by their own! They will not need the Gospel from a foreigner because God is raising up young men RIGHT NOW to be able to adequately convey the Gospel message in their own language and in a way that incorporates their culture, a culture God created to Glorify Himself.

Soon they all left, I swear that these people have to be ninjas because literally one minute there were 35 of them and the next there were 4….I have no idea where they went and how they did it so fast!

I began to talk with Marcos about the project that I wanted to develop to bring funds into his ministry. He is training 11 young men in their language. He is one of them, they trust him, he cares for them. And they are getting the Gospel through him. He is feeding them, giving them a place to live and teaching them the Gospel. He is also supporting a wife and a 2 year old on $250US a month! You read that right…..it is disgusting to me the amount of money that we waste as the Church when there are SO many that are scraping by with nothing. We think we do well because we give the magical 10%....most of them don’t even have that 10% to eat with….once again, that is for another blog. He was very excited to hear that there were already 17 people who had committed to giving and other than me, none of them had ever met him......