Alone in the City: Day Six

"I just feel like I don't have any control at all!"

I said it with anger, through tears while Richard listened patiently.

Then he calmly said the words that were oh so true, but not what I wanted to hear: "Maybe that's the point."

"Of course that's the point, but I don't want that. I want to be able to control something in my life!" That's what I told God. The irony of the arrogance doesn't escape me. I see it for what it is, but I know God sees it in my heart anyway. May as well just say it.

The more I ask God to show me my heart, the uglier things get.

Today, I spent most of the day working on our ministry stuff and was confronted with more arrogance and irony in my heart.

We recently transitioned mission boards and somewhere in the transition we lost some supporters along the way for one reason or another.

And I worry.

I worry as I adjust the spreadsheet to reflect the new numbers and it's less than what it was before. Money has always been a struggle for me. I don't like crunching numbers, paying bills... I don't even like to know what's in our account. It's a source of stress.

And that's wrong.

The irony is found in the fact that I know that God has never NOT provided a need. Even now I sit here with food in my belly, internet at my fingertips, a glass of clean water next to me, and even a list of people who have said in just the last few days, "Let me know if you need anything!"

Meanwhile, in the Jungle, babies are dying from dirty water, malaria, and yellow fever. Tribes remain hopeless because the Gospel hasn't arrived and they watch as their people die daily from preventable disease. Indigenous missionaries long to go into the depths of the Jungle to reach their own people, but the funds aren't there. Marcos (who you can read about here, here, and here) supports himself, his wife, their 2 year old son and 11 Indian students on $250 a month.

Here, we still have more money coming in each month than 98% of the world will see in a year.

And I have the audacity to ask God to let me have control of something in my life. What a mess I would make!

My American heart is so scarred from a culture of excess and greed and I ask God to forgive me, deliver me. I want to see clearly.

"Create in me a clean heart, oh God. And renew a right spirit within me..." (Psalm 51.10)

I pray this, knowing that it will hurt.  After all, "pressure creates diamonds and fire refines the gold" (Tripp Lee).

But it would be oh so very worth it to have the faith of these Christian Indians in the Jung|e who daily fall before a holy God, begging Him, not for money or things or even security and certainly NOT to have control, but for strength to endure so that their families can know the Truth.

God forgive my faithless, arrogant, selfish, prideful heart.

Make me more like the very people You have called me to.

When God Pays the Bills

Have you ever prayed to God to provide food for you and your family?
I don't mean that little, "God, thanks for this food. Please bless it to our bodies. Amen."

I mean literally prayed that God would provide food because you have no idea where your next meal will come from.

I haven't.

And I'd venture to say that very few, if any, of us have.

That hit me the other day as I was praying to God. I remember stopping in mid sentence while I was talking to God and saying, more to myself than to God [though I think He overheard], "What's wrong with me? What am I praying for?" This thought came to me because I realized how selfish my prayers are. It's all about: God, please do this for me and please do that for this other person. Thank you, Amen.


I realized that I, in the life I lead right now, don't NEED God. I never pray for clothes to wear. I never pray for food to eat or clean water to drink. I never pray for a place to sleep. I never pray that I'll have the strength to get out of bed or the courage to stand up for what I believe in. Why? Because I have never needed to pray for any of those things.


When I go to the kitchen, I know there will be food. And not just food, but choices about what food to eat. And if I don't see what I want there, then I'll run to the store or pick up my phone and order food to be delivered right to the front door.

I've never prayed for a clean water source. As a matter of fact, I buy a filter to filter my clean tap water.

I can't think of a single time when I've prayed for somewhere to lay my head....except maybe that one time when our air-conditioner went out in the middle of summer and the part was on back-order for 3 weeks. Then I was begging for some relief for my "discomfort".

So what's the big deal? If I have no need to pray for these things, why should I concern myself with them?

Maybe the problem isn't so much that I don't ask God for these things, but the fact that I don't thank Him for them either.

I expect them. I take them for granted, day in and day out. I think our spiritual state in America makes it pretty clear that if we continue to live at this comfort level, we will need God less and less. And now that we've redefined Christianity, we think it's ok to be comfortable. We think that God has blessed us for us.

When Richard and I started our Radical Journey, we told God together that we wanted to suffer for Him. Why would we pray that?? Because suffering brings true fellowship with Christ. As Paul put it in Philippians 3.10, "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death..."

That's a pretty bold prayer to pray because I think it's one that God will answer. And I wouldn't say He's answered it yet, but I have noticed Him testing our faith on numerous levels: including financially.

This is somewhere that I struggle: trusting God in the area of finances. Like many people, I find security when our bank account and savings shows a certain number. There's just a certain peace that I get when I check it and everything seems in order. So, naturally, if those numbers aren't quite within my "comfort range" there's a certain uneasiness that follows.


In other words, I have no faith in regards to money.

Without going into a lot of detail, we've had some big expenses come up as of late. Things that we weren't expected like car problems (oh the stories I could tell) and some other "inconveniences". I've watched as our savings have slowly dwindled well below my preferred number and I've felt that stress level begin to rise.

You know what's been great about it though? Seeing how God steps in and says, "How about you just trust me."

So I thought I'd give that a try... you know, let God take care of us instead of trying to figure it all out. Novel idea, right? After all, my worrying doesn't seem to accomplish much.

And guess what. He has provided. In marvelous ways that glorify HIM.

Richard sold his truck to the first person he showed it to (who does that??). His flying schedule has been out of control [in a good way] for the past month. I recently got a bonus at work that couldn't have come at a better time. We've seen the random generosity of several people who have given directly to us or towards our mission trip coming up.

And we've been able to give more to missions than we ever have before. Praise God!

What have I learned? Well, for one, it sure is nice to be able to relax in God's hand when unexpected bills and expenses come along knowing that, while they may have come as a shock to us, He knew about them all along.

And at the end of the day, regardless of what the numbers in our bank account are, God is in control. And our situations and frustrations and trials and heartaches are all designed to bring glory to Him.

But even more than those things, it's nice to know that even if we didn't have food to eat, a place to sleep, good health, or clean water and even if we didn't have the money to pay the bills....God would still be a good God. Because He is God. And good is one of the things that defines Him.

God didn't meet these needs so we could be happy and content and say, "Thanks God." God met these needs so we could tell others what a great God we serve and it's by Him and through Him and in Him that we have all that we need.... and more.

"But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through." -Francis Chan