"It's not fair that you're going to help him and not me."
That's the text message I got from the girl I have poured my life into for the past two weeks after she walked away and said by her actions that she didn't need us anymore.
I guess You saw that, right?
Today, I want to give up. I want to give up on this young couple that You put in our lives. And, if I'm being honest, this isn't the first time I've felt this way about them.
It want to give up and say, "I know I'm supposed to love you unconditionally. I know I'm supposed to forgive unconditionally. I know I'm supposed to love you like Christ does. I know! But I can't!"
I want to say that at 3am when they are calling again. I want to say that as our gas tank approaches empty again. I want to say that when we are trying to to enjoy time as a family and they call again. I want to say that when I get text messages about how we are wrong and we haven't done enough.
But I can't say that. Because when I try to say that, Your Spirit softly whispers Philippians 4:13 where You promise that we can do all things through Christ.
And that makes me angry because I don't want to hear that. I want to hear that it's ok to give up because I'm not God. I can't do all the things I'm supposed to do. I can't love like I'm supposed to. I don't have the will power. After all, that's what people keep telling me. Christians, even.
And I am selfish. I am so very selfish that I disgust myself. When You whisper to me, I want to block You out, but that's just it. You don't give up. You don't walk away when I push You out.
I tell You I want to be poured out for You. I want to sacrifice to show my love for You. I want to put myself last. So You are faithful and give me the opportunity to do just that and I complain because it's uncomfortable. It's frustrating and it's exhausting. And You listen to me as I tell You all the reasons why I want to give up--all my selfish reasons.
And once again You prove You are faithful.
And I say, "But we have no more resources. But I already don't get to see Richard much and now we have to be apart more as we pour our lives into this couple. But they have spit in our faces too many times!"
And You say, "But I have all the resources, and you have Me. But I created You for this, to demostrate my love. But You have spit in my face. Yet, I don't give up on You. I forgive You every time."
I look back over the last two weeks and I see what You've taught me. You've opened my eyes to the reality of so many things that I never understood before. Things about me. Things about ministry. Things about You.
And as I sit here on the couch alone because Richard is once again meeting with the young man, trying to pour his life out for Your glory, I want to give up.
But I won't. I won't because You haven't.
And on top of that, I thank You. I thank You for this couple that You have entrusted to us for Your name's glory. Please help me to be all that You require of me.
Feeling a Bit Like Jonah,