Jungle Trip (part 1 of 3)

The following is an update from my (Richard) most recent trip to the deepest part of the jungle I, as a foreigner, can go. This trip, for those who don't know, was to finalize plans to launch our first project here. It is amazing what the Lord is doing in this place and I am humbled and honored to be a part of working along side the indigenous leadership to get the G0spel to people that no foreigner will EVER be able to reach.

Wednesday, 10.15.2012, at 4:45am here in Recife, my trip began to the jungle. It was an hour earlier in the Jungle and I had about 14 hours and 4 stops before I would finally be in Tabatinga. After that, I still had to get a moto-taxi to the main port and get on a fast boat and go to Benjamin Constant and try and find a place to sleep. The next morning, I would be up early and on another taxi to get to my final destination of Atalaia do Norte, Amazonas, Brazil. I was dropped off by my good friend that I met in Argentina, Guilherme Franco, at the airport here in Recife  and started the long flights. The whole time I was up and down in the air and walking through the airports, I was focused on the task ahead and thinking through everything. After all, I had 2.5 days to finalize 2 large projects that I was starting and I didn’t want to miss any opportunities. For those that know me really well, you can testify that I am a person that likes organization and for things to be planned out well in advance. So, me, Lecrae, the iPhone and my notebook were busy most of the trip getting everything down on paper to make sure I didn’t miss anything. No amount of planning could have prepared me for the following few days and what God had already predestined before the creation of the earth.

 All my flights were uneventful and I was glad to be travelling light with just a backpack – my last 10-15 international trips have been with teams and the latest was our international move so those have inlcuded thousands of pounds of equipment, 10-12 people each trip and immigration paperwork to be responsible for.

My trip began to get interesting as the man across the plane came and sat next to the free seat to my left and began talking. He broke all the first conversation rules, our talk ranged from how horrible the US is, why we are to blame for the drugs and Guerilla war in South America and how it was unfair that we killed Saddam just for his oil. He also proceeded to tell me I was wasting my time working with Indians, he explained all their problems and why I would never be successful with them. I am generally very easy going and love to talk to others but this encouraging fellow began to become a frustration as it was the last thing I wanted to hear at the end of 14 hours of flying with another 2 to go on motorcycles and boats. It was there that the Lord began to work in my heart and say, “Don’t you see that this man sees no hope for these people because he has no hope for himself?” My frustration quickly left and I was searching for ways to share Christ with this man. He finally gave me the chance and I had the opportunity to explain that he may very-well be right and the Indians may not accept anything that I try to do. But I quickly followed that up with the fact that I wasn’t doing this for the Indians (even thought they are the “beneficiaries”). No, in fact I am doing this because Jesus has called me to do it. I was able to explain how I turned down a 100K plus dream job to come here and didn’t regret it one bit because my life was all for Him. He changed his tone and began to talk about knowing more about what we do and wanting to visit – he even asked for my contact info to stay in touch…..that was quite a difference from, “You gringos are so greedy that you are ruining the rest of the world”.

I made it to the hotel that night and searched for a place to eat. Nothing was open so it was a good thing Ashley had packed me one of Elliott’s cereal bars. The next morning I ran into Pastor Eli (the indigenous leader that is responsible that most of the leaders in our area have received the Gospel) and we headed to Atalaia. We were also joined by a Pastor from a more fundamental denomination in Manaus. He and his family were going to see about Marcos’ ministry. We had also run into an American lady that was with the same denomination in Benjamin. Eli later confided in me that they have had many issues in the past because these missionaries have taken credit and ownership of the ministry in the area. He said they had donated to help in the past and then claim credit for the work that is being done 100% by indigenous effort. He also said they have tried in the past to make these Indians that are barely out of the Jungle, starting a discipleship ministry with Marcos, to start wearing ties, cut their hair and not be around people that didn’t look like them. I have to admit that I was angry with these people at that point. Who are they? A song I listen to says, “They talk about the Law, but they are twisting the Law, the Law is the tool that leads us to Christ, by GRACE we are JUSTIFIED and HE gives us life”. It is amazing how we are saved by grace yet resort back to the chains of the Law. Galations 5:1 says, “ He freed us INTO freedom”, not chains, preferences or ancient Jewish Law that was put out not to be fulfilled by us but to show us we could NOT fulfill it! Anyway, I shared with Eli that many do horrible things in the name of the Gospel with the best of intentions but poor foundations. I told him I had NO intention of pushing any denomination, I was there to be Christ and serve in any way I could be used. He then said something many would say he (as an Indian) was uncapable of even understanding. He said,” Ricardo, I’m not interested in denomination. They have hurt my people so much in the past. I’m not talking about Doctine, Doctrine is extremely important and we will guard that but my allegiance is to Christ – not a human-founded denomination.” Wow! Sounds like the Holy Spirit just spoke through someone.......

Seasons

Fall is my absolute favorite time of the year. I love the cool, crisp mornings with the bright blue skies, no longer tainted by the humidity that permeates the air all summer long. I love the deep colors of the changing leaves and the Saturday football games (especially since I’m an Alabama fan and we are known for winning :). I love driving through Starbucks and getting a Pumpkin Spice Latte and heading out for a walk with a light sweater on and a comfy pair of jeans. And of course there is Halloween, which I know is controversial for many, but for me it just means lots of laughter, carving pumpkins with the family, eating chili, and handing out candy to the princesses and Power Rangers that show up at the door.

I love Fall.

I knew last year would be my last year to fully enjoy the benefits of fall, at least for a while. And enjoy them I did! I savored every sip of each Pumpkin Spice Latte so much so that I can almost—almost—still taste it now. We took a support trip up to Buffalo, New York during that season last year and I can still picture the beautiful leaves of the changing trees and if I sit still and close my eyes, I get very close to being able to feel the crisp breeze on my skin.

But this year is different. This year, my fall was interrupted by an extended summer that will last well into the year ahead. In fact, I don’t see an end in sight until Lord willing we get to spend the winter holidays with the family in 2013.

Things are different. And just like the seasons change during the year, life is that way, too.

The seasons change and if you’re not very, very careful, you start to wish for last season or next season and you forget that this season—this one right here—is just as beautiful, just as enjoyable as the one you miss.

I’m trying to learn that—really, truly learn that. But I’m just going to be honest and let you know that it’s hard. It’s hard when you are in a life-season of learning and stretching and growing faster than any life-season you can remember.

It’s a season of mental exhaustion as your brain works to understand even the most basic of conversations in a language that you really thought you had a better grasp on. You find yourself hoping no one else is on the elevator or in line at the store so they won’t ask you a question you won’t know the answer to. Sometimes, you just smile and nod and laugh when everyone else laughs so it looks like you have a clue. You put yourself out there anyway because you know that’s the only way to learn. But mentally it’s exhausting.

It’s a season of physical exhaustion as you approach the due date of your second child and your firstborn is at an age of discovery and testing and trying. It’s a stage of independence and he’s already an independent child! It’s a stage of, “Mama, watch this!” as he climbs to the top of the sofa and jumps as high as he can into the pile of pillows stacked on the tile floor right in front of the end table all before you can even realize that he had piled the pillows and your heart nearly stops as you think how this dare-devil child in front of you was a little sweet baby just yesterday, wasn’t it? It’s a season of temper tantrums and tears and even hitting as he tries to push his boundaries and test the waters of disobedience over and over again. And sometimes I go to bed at night thinking, “I am a terrible parent” because it seems that I’ll I’ve done is said “no” and lectured on how “Jesus wants us to obey but only He can help us obey because we can’t on our own” as he stares back with a furrowed brow and a will as strong as steel and I’ve spanked and timed-out ‘til I want to give up and say, “Fine, you don’t have to eat real food. You can eat cookies and drink chocolate milk all day. And you can throw the play-doh and you don’t have to have a bath or brush your teeth and you can stay up as late as you want because Mama is tired.” But instead I stay consistent because I know that’s what he needs. But physically, it’s exhausting.

And it’s a season of emotional exhaustion as the days are often unbearably lonely as we adjust to this new culture and the lack of friends and family and familiarity. It’s emotional when you have no communication with the outside world because there’s no internet or telephone or TV. You look forward to taking a taxi to the mall, not to purchase anything but just to be around people, even if you can’t communicate with them completely! It’s emotional when you Skype with your family and they are all eating dinner together or going for a walk and you are thousands of miles away. It’s emotionally exhausting when you can’t sleep because of a squirmy baby in your belly and blaring music outside your apartment from a party going on at 2am. Emotionally, it’s exhausting.

And if I’m not careful, I find myself longing, begging God even, for the seasons of the past. Those seasons seem so easy now. I miss our house and our car and our family and our church and our friends and Target and Starbucks and, and, and…..

And God stops me right there.

And He wakes me up one morning at sunrise (which is 5am here) with a tap, tap, tap at our bedroom window. I get up to see what the noise is and I am breathless as I open the window to see the most beautiful sunrise over the ocean I think I’ve ever seen. And suddenly I feel very small and very humble because the God of the Universe woke little me up to show me that He’s still in the business of beautiful. He’s still in the business of creating memories and teaching and changing and helping and leading. And He took the time to wake me to show me that even in this exhausting season of change that we are in, He is still God. He still makes the sun rise and set. He still gives rest to my soul. He still comforts when the tears won’t stop. He still listens when I’m discontent and He still gently rebukes me because I am a child that He loves and cherishes.

And He reminds me that this is, in fact, a season. And it will change just like the last one and I better be careful to enjoy it because I don’t know what the next one looks like but I do know that there is beauty in every season. Sometimes we just have to look a little harder and be still a little longer to see it and hear it.

So as I sit here on our little sofa in our little apartment and sip on the awesome Cinnamon Apple Spice tea that I found at the supermarket that gives me the sweetest little taste of fall, I look out at the view of the ocean from our window and I enjoy the beauty of this life-season and I’m thankful for the beauty of past life-seasons.

Because I serve the God of the beautiful here and now.

 

This picture doesn't do justice!

(sunrise from our bedroom window, Recife, Brazil)

The New Normal

It never occurred to me that this may in fact be his last day on earth.

As I stepped into the home of the local witchdoctor where we had been called to aid a sick man, I saw him laid out in a hammock. On his face he wore a grimmace that spoke of the pain he was feeling and on his chest and arms he wore a rash of unknown origin. His legs were stiffened by the pain.

Janet, our nurse friend who had traveled down with us, had already hooked up the IV bag in an attempt to rehydrate his severely dehydrated body. We were down to our last IV needle because his veins were so hard to chase under his parched skin. Two bags of fluid wasn't nearly enough, but it was all we had so it would have to work.

The language barrier made our task even more challenging as I translated from English to Spanish and the village missionary translated from Spanish to Ticuna and then back again. But some pain medication and a muscle relaxant soon brought him some temporary relief and before long we were exchanging names and Junio was smiling a very toothless smile and seemed to be doing well. Rest and relaxation was his prescription for the day as he planned to make a several hour trek back to his village the next.

That evening we were called again to his side. Richard joined Janet while I was busy getting Elliott ready for bed back at the missionary home where we were staying. Junio's pain had returned with a vengeance. His symptoms made us think it was perhaps a case of Lyme's disease and the missionary said that this wasn't an isolated case. These symptoms seemed to occur often in the area, reaffirming our thoughts that ticks could be the cause. More pain meds and rest were prescribed and Richard would check back in the morning. When he left, Junio had improved slightly, but Richard advised he be taken to the hospital two hours upriver first thing in the morning.

Fast forward to morning.

I came in for breakfast after a restless sleep, hindered by roosters crowing all night and a bug net that keeps all hope of a breeze from making its way through for relief from the heat.

After a greeting to those who were already up, I was told the news.

Junio had died during the night. I was shocked to say the least. Sure he was in pain the night before, but it never crossed my mind that he might die.

"How did this happen?" I asked, trying to make sense of it.

Long story short, after we treated him with what we had, they brought in the witchdoctor to see what she could pull off. It was a typical ending to the story. It seems once the witchdoctor gets her hands on a local, that's the end of the road. They believed the man had been cursed and that his soul was dead anyway. When this is the "diagnosis" they see no reason to try to live with a dead soul so often they will stop eating or drinking and just let their physical body die, too. We don't know exactly what the man had or what the witchdoctor gave him, but one thing is for sure--he didn't have to die.

As I processed what I was told, the thought occured to me:

This is our new normal.

Suddenly the heat and bugs didn't seem so omnious in light of the fact that we were in the middle of a culture that is run by witchcraft and myth. The missionaries who have been in this village for nearly half a decade share with us that this is a common occurance. Death--unecessary death--is part of this work and Satan is happy for it.

Even thought the news is hard and I try not to let my mind wander down the path of how heavy this load is, I remember this one thing:

"...the One who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." 1 John 4.4

God has us here for a reason and He has already conquered sin. Our job is to glorify Him. He will bring the fruit in His time and in His way.

It was a hard awakening in our first week on the field. But we know the God is sovereign. His ways are good. And we can trust He is working to bring glory to Himself in this dark region.

Weightiness, Emotions and Him

Over the past decade as we have followed the call of God on our life it never seemed like it would ever be real. I definitely believed it would, it just seemed so far away. Now, here I am, just a few days away from moving to another country, culture, language, mindset, - everything. I am blown away. I’m not a very emotional person. I like to think that I am very level headed and easy going. It takes a lot to really get me upset about something  or excited and I very rarely feel sad enough to cry. I don’t know if that is a blessing or a curse but it’s who I am.

As I sit here, not able to sleep, thinking about all that is in store – I am in awe. I’m in awe of a God that would waste His infinitely more important time on me. I’m in awe that He would move the hearts of His children to give so sacrificially to what He has called us to. I’m in awe that He would choose me, deal with me, work me, bless me, forgive me, call me, move me, show me, redeem my soul, and make me His face and representative to anyone. As I sit here thinking about His glory, Who He is and what He has done – I feel worthless, I am worthless.  This is the only time I am emotional.

As I was lying down with Elliott tonight because he couldn’t sleep, I was thinking about what I want for his life. I want his sweet heart to overflow with the Love of Christ. I want his whole being to characterize who Christ is and what He can do in us. I want him to have the passion for His glory that Paul had.

 Then it hits me.

I don’t want Elliott to be abused, I don’t want him to suffer, I don’t want him to know the cruelty that this fallen world is. I only want the best for him...but then there is 2 Corinthians 11: 24-28. Paul suffered so much for the name of Christ. I don’t want that for my son…..or do I. Paul says that his sufferings made him know Christ. 2 Corinthians 1:5 says we will share in His comfort as we share in his sufferings, Romans 8:17 says, in order to share in his glory we share in his sufferings. And I realized, if I want my son to know Christ, to TRULY experience Him – I have to want for him to be broken, to be willing for him to go through whatever it is that Christ has for Him. Maybe the best includes the worst. -Whoa

I also pray that God would make his life a Glorious representation of Him….but what if that is not the case…do I pray that God would just “keep him safe and give him good things”. No, I would rather Elliott not know this world if his life isn’t praising Him. I struggled through tears as I prayed that God would give him True life, one that follows Him with everything or that he would take it. I have prayed that for myself but never for my baby.

Then it came full circle – if I want all this for my son – I am responsible to teach him. God has gifted him to me and I am the one that is here to lead him and guide him. How can I expect for my son to know these things and feel this way if I don’t exemplify it.

 

Now, I feel emotional. The weightiness of that truth is too much for me – but not for Him. I am broken as I feel that I am not only responsible for my life to point to His glory but I am also responsible to teach my son the same. “What’s my life if it’s not praising you, another day of vain pursuit“ (Lecrae)

 

So, as I tell family and friends bye, as I “give-up” the American life and as I take on this new phase in my calling. I am learning to be emotional. I am learning to break for what breaks Jesus’ heart. I am learning to seek death to myself in order to gain life in Him. I want to hear “Well done” but even more, I want to see my little boy stand before Jesus as He looks at him and says, “Well done”. With so many men that I know failing in the ministry and in family – I want to always lead my family to Him – and it starts with my obedience out of my love for Him. I am not able, I am worthless, I am useless but he has chosen to use me for his Glory, He has chosen my family to make much of His name and I am amazed and motivated to make His glory known in the entire world. Now that excites me and motivates me.

One More Month of "Normal"

Last November, we were living in NC for about a month and a half as Richard worked on his helicopter license. I started attending a MOPS (Moms of Preschoolers) group while we were there. It was very encouraging for me during that time and I met a lot of great women.

One very sweet young mom asked me a question that has stuck with me ever since. After learning of where we were going and what we were doing, she asked,

"But how do you make life "stable" for your little boy? We're working hard right now to provide a stable home and environment for our son... how do you do that in the Jungle??"

For a moment, I felt baffled because I didn't know what to say. Immediately, James 1.5 popped into my head: "Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him."

For wisdom I prayed. Hard. I wanted to answer well because I could tell she was really searching.

And as I opened my mouth I felt like the Holy Spirit was speaking through me with this answer:

"We will just raise him to know that the only true stability in life is Christ. Beyond that, nothing is stable. Our health, our home, our jobs, our vehicles... all of it can pass away. But Jesus... He's not going anywhere."

Here we are, less than 4 weeks out from our international move and I find myself in our last month of "normal". And I ask myself, "Is Jesus my stability? Am I OK without these "things"? Will I survive without my family and friends?"

And as each day passes, I find myself relishing each "normal" thing as it comes and goes:

A trip to the grocery store for a few things.
Rocking Elliott in his rocking chair and laying him in his crib-converted-big-boy-bed.
Folding laundry in the laundry room while Elliott plays with Capo (our boxer) in the back yard.
Facebook messaging with friends.
Trips to Chick-Fil-A, Moe's, and Target.
A text to my mom.
Loading the dishwasher.
Turning down the air conditioner.
Pulling out of the driveway.
Stopping by my mom's house.

All of these things and more have been my "normal" for my whole life. And now that I am in the last few weeks of them, suddenly the past almost four years of support raising don't seem like they were that long. Suddenly each thing that I used to just do seems like a luxury that I hold onto for a little bit longer:

Taking a warm shower.
Filling the water pitcher from the kitchen sink.
Cooking dinner.
Flushing the toilet.
Going to our home church.
Dinner with friends.

And it's emotional. But it's beautiful.

That seems to be the ebb and flow of this journey:

fun and hard
exhilarating and exhausting
exciting and challenging
up and down
old and new
beautiful and scary



The other night as I rocked Elliott to sleep, long after his eyes had closed and he slipped off to dreamland, I continued to hold him and think of all the memories contained in the four walls of this home turned house-almost-sold. Tears came to my eyes as I thought of opening wedding gifts in the living room, cooking meals in the kitchen, laughing as we watched movies on the couch, bringing Elliott home from the hospital, playing games in his bedroom floor and laughing so hard we cried over dinner with friends.

And again I felt the Holy Spirit whisper sweetly to my soul, "This is good. This is how it was planned and it is good."

I found a peace in my heart that I had missed before. Somewhere in all the packing and e-mail writing and planning and running-around-like-a-chicken-with-my-head-cut-off, I had missed this still small voice whispering to me all along saying,

"Those are the beautiful memories I gave you. I want you to cherish them and love them. But don't hold on so long you miss what I have in store for you next. It's beautiful, too."

And that's when I felt it for the first time. I've known for years that this was the journey we would take and I've been excited but for once I had an overwhelming peace that it was OK for this chapter to close. This one of security and comfort.

And I didn't get a peace that said this new chapter would be easy or comfortable. He didn't promise there would be no heartache or pain. But He said, "I'm with you. And it's beautiful. Trust me."

And I cried as I rocked Elliott, but the tears were tears of joy and praise that this Almighty God would look past my fears and doubts and worries and somehow allow little, faithless me to be a part of His work. And I felt so small and humble and weak, but He felt so big and worthy and strong.

So I choose to enjoy these little moments of "normal" until our "new normal" comes along.

And, though I will no doubt fail, I choose to let Christ be my stability.

Because He's not going anywhere.

What I Learned from Finding Nemo

What do you do with a two-year-old when it's storming outside?

Why, you curl up with a bowl of popcorn and watch "Finding Nemo", that's what!

That's exactly what Elliott and I did today while the earth soaked up the much needed rain pouring from the skies.

As I sat there with my little man watching this kids movie, I started to notice a theme. I'm sure most of you have seen it and you know that "Marlin" (Nemo's dad) is quite the worrier. All through the movie on his quest to locate his son, he is fretting and getting worked up when something doesn't look like it's going to work out. Meanwhile, his winsome friend "Dori" is always singing and swimming all around, completely optimistic that everything will in fact happen like it's supposed to.

Well, today God said to me, "Ashley, you are Marlin. And I want you to be Dori."

I am on this journey that God has chosen for me and I'm constantly being tossed about by worry and doubt all the while God is saying, "Enjoy NOW. It's what I've given you."

Jim Elliot, missionary martyr in Ecuador, once said, "Wherever you are, be all there."

Easy to say, very difficult to do.

Pray for us. This is a good, but challenging journey we are on, especially during this transition time.

Pray I can be a "Dori": enjoying the moment as I let God do what He does best--write a story that glorifies Him.

Are We Ready?

We hear this question a lot as we have right at two months before we make our international move.

"Are you ready?"

Seems like a simple question. I think most people are asking if we are physically ready--has our house sold? (no) have we packed up everything? (no) have we sold everything else? (no)

What can I say? We're procrastinators :)

We're also still traveling a lot which makes getting things checked off the to-do list pretty challenging. Throw in a rambunctious two-year-old (and a prego mama) and packing seems impossible sometimes.

But I think the question that is more important is "Are you ready--spiritually?"

And the answer? I don't know.

We need prayer right now because it seems like the closer we get to our move, the more spiritual attacks come our way. Usually suttle in nature, but always threatening to the objective of our lives--to share the Gospel with the unreached. Those "little" threats are often the most dangerous.

So we just ask for your prayers. And your words of encouragement.

I think every missionary would testify that both of those are needed far more than finances.

In the end, I know that God has and is continuing to prepare us for this journey. But that doesn't mean there won't be battles along the way. In fact, it means there WILL be battles along the way.

James tells us in chapter 1, verses 2-4:

"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing."

So, we'll count these trials as joy for now, knowing that they are necessary for our spiritually maturity and for endurance... both of which are greatly needed in the depths of the Jungle.