It's my thorn in the flesh. I consumes me more often than I like to admit.
I'm supposed to be brave and bold. But I'm fearful and hesitant. I must be adventurous to be on this journey, right? But I'm not.
Usually I fight this battle with Scripture like Philippians 4.8:
Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise—dwell on these things.
Or Proverbs 3.5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not rely on your own understanding;
think about Him in all your ways,
and He will guide you on the right paths.
Then there's Philippians 4.6-7
Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
And these are right and good. But recently I found myself consumed with worry and fear about my husbands trip to the Jung|e. Questions and doubts flood my mind.
Will he be safe? Will he come home? The dangers are very real.
The day he left, God spoke to me while at our church's Wednesday evening service. But it wasn't in the usual way. No comforting verses this time. No peace that passes understanding.
It was a reprimand.
The speaker in the class was also going on the trip and had left his phone on to catch any last minute calls about the trip. As the class was wrapping up, he got a text from someone telling him that they and their church family were praying for the trip.
That's the moment God spoke to me.
"How dare you worry?" He said. Loud and clear.
Who do I think I am to worry about how this trip will play out? I have no say in the matter. And while I worry and fret, other believers are praying in faith. While I seek the selfish return of my husband, others are focused on the work at hand--bringing fresh water to a tribe dying for the Living Water.
How dare I be so self-consumed to worry? Because worrying is like telling God I just don't think He can handle this one. Sure, He's done amazing things in the past, but this time? No. This one is a doozy.
Worry is putting my desires above God's glory.
As I post updates about the trip and send out e-mails, I am blown away with the responses from friends. There are literally people around the world praying for this team of men. This team of men that God brought together to do His purpose in His timing in His way.
So I repent of my worry and doubt and trust that God is actually in control... and not me.
And I pray. I pray that God will give me the faith to trust.
And I praise. I praise Him that He loves me enough to reprimand me and say,
"Enough! Trust me."